4 Steps to Stop Avoiding That Scary Thing
Today, I want to talk to you about how to stop avoiding that thing that you’re afraid of.
We all do this. This is totally normal.
You might be avoiding starting a big project because you’re afraid that, once you start, you’ll reveal that you’re actually incompetent and have no idea what you’re doing.
You might be avoiding asking questions about a job you’re interviewing for. You really want to get the offer, and you’re afraid that your questions might reveal that you’re not a good fit for the role.
You might be avoiding building an MVP of your product because you’re afraid that once you start working with real customers, you’ll reveal that nobody wants your product.
Wanting to avoid something you’re afraid of is a universal human instinct.
AND unfortunately…it’s usually not an effective way of dealing with the situation.
Procrastinating that big project will only make it harder to complete.
If you’re not a good fit for that job, it’s better to know that ahead of time than to find out 3 months in.
If you never build an MVP and talk to real customers, you’ll never figure out what the market really wants.
Avoiding what you’re afraid of doesn’t work.
You have to face and go through your fear in order to create the outcomes you want.
But that is, by definition, very scary. I get it!
So let me give you a 4 step process you can use to reduce your fear and help you actually DO the scary thing without burning yourself out in the process.
Step 1: Identify your Game-Ending Fear
First of all — WHAT are you so afraid of?
WHAT is the big, scary, Game-Ending “Truth” that you’re so afraid will be revealed, if you take action?
Is it…
“I’m an unqualified fraud”?
“No one wants to hire me”?
“Nobody wants my product”?
“I’m fundamentally stupid and incompetent”?
Stop letting your Game-Ending Fear lurk in the shadows.
Name it and bring it out into the light.
Step 2: Identify your Fear-Confirming Scenario
This is the thing your brain has really been trying to avoid.
Your brain has predicted that, if you take action, some horrible thing will happen and, when it happens, it will confirm that your Game-Ending Fear is TRUE.
Get as specific as possible about what that horrible thing would be.
This could look like…
If I open all the documents and start looking at that big project… (action)
My brain will freeze up and I’ll have no idea what to do next… (Fear-Confirming Scenario)
And that will confirm that I’m an unqualified fraud who has no idea what they’re doing (Game-Ending Fear).
If I ask my job interviewer, “What role would you expect this person to play in setting the strategy?”… (action)
They’ll tell me, “We want them to run [XYZ strategy process that I’ve never heard of]”… (Fear-Confirming Scenario)
And that will confirm that I’m fundamentally incompetent and never going to get hired by anyone (Game-Ending Fear).
If I try to go get one customer to use my MVP… (action)
Everyone I talk to will tell me No… (Fear-Confirming Scenario)
And that will confirm that no one wants my product and my startup is doomed to fail (Game-Ending Fear).
Step 3: Commit to a new kind of problem-solving process
Right now, your brain is trying to AVOID your Fear-Confirming Scenarios at all costs (because it believes they will, after all, confirm your worst fears to be true).
But here’s the problem-solving process I want you to follow instead.
Expect your Fear-Confirming Scenarios to happen.
They are not something to be avoided at all costs.
They are 100% normal and are actually part of the process that you have to go through to learn how to do what you want to do.
If you want to complete that big project, you HAVE to go through 10 brain-freezes to figure out how to do that.
If you want to find the best job for you, you HAVE to correctly identify a few bad-fits before you find it.
If you want your product to be successful, you HAVE to have 10 customers say no to you.
Nothing is going wrong when that happens.
Everyone that has gone before you has experienced it as well.
It’s a crucial part of the learning process that you have to go through too.
When your Fear-Confirming Scenarios happen, troubleshoot them by asking:
“Brain, if this wasn’t happening because of [Game-Ending Fear], why ELSE could this be happening?”
Because your Game-Ending Fear is not true.
There is always another reason that scenario happened.
Figure out what that could be, and what you have to adjust because of it.
This could look like…
If you open all the documents and start looking at that big project… (action)
And your brain DOES in fact freeze up and you have no idea what to do next… (Fear-Confirming Scenario)
Ask yourself: Brain, if this ISN’T happening because I’m an unqualified fraud who has no idea what they’re doing (Game-Ending Fear), why else could this be happening?
Am I missing some information?
Would I do better by talking it out with someone rather than figuring it out in my head?
Am I getting intimidated because I made the first step too big, and I need to make the first step smaller?
Then grab any one of those hypotheses, make an adjustment based on it, and see what happens next.
If you ask your job interviewer, “What role would you expect this person to play in setting the strategy?”… (action)
And they DO in fact tell you, “We want them to run [XYZ strategy process that you’ve never heard of]”… (Fear-Confirming Scenario)
Ask yourself: Brain, if this ISN’T happening because I’m fundamentally incompetent and am never going to get hired by anyone (Game-Ending Fear), why else could this be happening?
Is it because this role just isn’t a good fit for me?
Are they just using unfamiliar terminology for something I actually do know how to do?
Is this something I don’t know but could reasonably learn on the job?
Grab any one of those hypotheses, make an adjustment based on it, and see what happens next.
If you try to get one customer to use your MVP… (action)
And 10 potential customers DO tell you No… (Fear-Confirming Scenario)
Ask yourself: Brain, if this ISN’T happening because no one wants my product and my startup is doomed to fail (Game-Ending Fear), why else could this be happening?
Am I not communicating the value of the product clearly enough?
Is my own lack of confidence bleeding into the conversation and influencing the customer?
Do the customers have a concern about the product that I’m not addressing?
Are these just not my customers, but someone else would be a better fit for this product?
Grab any one of those hypotheses, make an adjustment based on it, and see what happens next.
Step 4: Run some small, safe, bounded experiments
Even when you commit to the new problem-solving process in Step 3…
When those Fear-Confirming Scenarios happen…
Your brain is still going to go to its Game-Ending Fear FIRST…
And every time that happens, you’re going to experience an automatic cocktail of strong emotions.
Fear. Shame. Anger. Disappointment. Frustration.
It’s going to be a little intense every time UNTIL your brain learns through exposure that those Fear-Confirming Scenarios aren’t actually life-threatening…
And your brain gets into the habit of immediately running the problem-solving process in Step 3, without going to the Game-Ending Fear first.
It’s going to take a few reps before that happens.
Probably 5 reps at the minimum and 100 reps at the maximum.
So run some small, safe, bounded experiments to help you get those reps.
This could look like…
Don’t tackle the entire big project for 8 eight hours.
Tackle one specific piece of it for 20 minutes every day for one week.
Don’t ask your scariest questions in your highest-stakes interview right off the bat.
Pick 3 lower-stakes questions you want to ask, and ask them in 3 different interviews you’re less invested in.
Don’t make a splashy announcement on LinkedIn telling the whole world about your MVP and why they should sign up immediately.
Ping 10 people you know, see if you can get 5 of them to even have a chat about your MVP, and see if you can get one of them to try out your MVP for 1 week for free.
When you’re running an experiment, ANY data is interesting data.
You struggle massively on the project for 4 days out of 5 but then day 5 was a breeze? Great! What have we learned? What interesting data was uncovered here?
The interview took a weird turn two out of three times when you asked an honest question? Great! What have we learned? What interesting data was uncovered here?
Of the 10 people you pinged, 8 were happy to chat with you but none of them were willing to try out your MVP even for 1 week for free? Great! What have we learned? What interesting data was uncovered here?
Run the problem-solving process in Step 3 to figure out the answer to that question.
You may still feel some strong emotions when your brain’s Fear-Confirming Scenarios happen.
But because you created a small, safe, bounded experiment… 🔬
And because you’re THINKING of this whole thing as just an experiment… 🧑🏻🔬
It should be easier to calm your brain down and do the data-gathering and learning that will really move you forward.
This is the exact process I use to help my clients figure out big, scary, important things in their lives.
And this is the exact process I’m using in my own life to build the next coaching product I’m going to bring to market.
The tactics here are fairly simple and straightforward.
Actually doing this takes strength, courage, and perseverance.
Because what you’re really doing is pushing your nervous system and your brain beyond its comfort zone, little by little, every day, until you gain the tactical learnings AND the emotional strength necessary to do what you want to do.
Don’t go on this journey alone.
Having a coach with you on this journey is one of the best investments you can make.
A coach will help you identify your fears accurately and precisely.
They can help you structure your experiments so they match your comfort level while still getting you the learnings you want.
And most importantly, they will help you stay objective in your problem-solving.
When those strong emotions hit, you might want to completely change course based on just one or two data points, just because it feels so crappy.
This is totally normal.
A coach is there to help you learn how to regulate your emotions when that happens.
And they’re there to offer an objective third party perspective on how the experiment is really going — which they can do because they don’t have the emotional entanglement that you have.
Your problem-solving, your consistency, and your forward progress gets 100x better when you have a coach.
I have a coach to help me on my own journey — I’d be moving at about 1% the speed without her.
You need a coach on your journey too. Come talk to me, and let’s get started :)
What my clients have to say…
“I felt like every Monday, regardless of what happened that week, I had someone who had my back and would help me gently course correct.
Pooja would always help me push off my week to a great start so that I wouldn't lose out on the progress I had made or forget about all the good things I was doing.
To kick start my week like that felt like a superpower.”
—Client | Solutions Engineer at Fintech Company
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