4 words to make any difficult emotion 10x easier
“This makes total sense.”
I like to think of our emotions as coming in multiple layers.
The first layer is your initial automatic reaction to something.
This could be things like…
You get an email, and your first reaction is fear.
You look at your Saturday plans, and your first reaction is boredom.
You see the shirt someone is wearing, and your first reaction is contempt.
The second layer is your reaction TO your own initial reaction.
This could be things like…
You get an email, your first reaction is fear, and THEN you think, “I’m overreacting. Why am I such a baby?”
You look at your Saturday plans, your first reaction is boredom, and THEN you think, “I looked forward to the weekend all week, but now I’m bored when it actually arrives? What’s wrong with me?”
You see the shirt someone is wearing, your first reaction is contempt, and THEN you think, “I’m such a terrible person. I shouldn’t judge people like that.”
Often times, what’s really unpleasant isn’t that first-layer feeling.
What’s REALLY unpleasant is the second-layer reaction we’re having to the first-layer feeling.
So here’s the second-layer reaction that I think makes difficult first-layer feelings 10x easier:
Tell yourself: “This makes total sense.”
You get an email, your first reaction is fear, and THEN you think, “Of course I’m afraid. I’ve worked in this stressful job for 5 years where every email had a chance of blowing up my weekend with new work. Feeling afraid makes total sense.”
You look at your Saturday plans, your first reaction is boredom, and THEN you think, “Of course I’m bored. I had a jam-packed week full of meetings and tasks, and now I have a chill, relaxed weekend in front of me. My brain is struggling with this transition. It doesn’t know what to do with all my extra energy. Feeling bored makes total sense.”
You see the shirt someone is wearing, your first reaction is contempt, and THEN you think, “Yeah, I don’t like that style. I tend to associate that style with pretentious people who are just showing off how much money they have. Feeling contemptuous when I make that association makes total sense.”
You have HUGE capacity to feel difficult first-layer feelings WHEN you have a supportive second-layer reaction.
This is why people are often so good in “crisis mode.”
You can handle big emergencies, big tragedies, big all-hands-on-deck situations, and ALL the big emotions they bring up…
…BECAUSE you’re simultaneously thinking “It makes sense that I’m feeling this way.”
You waste zero time questioning or doubting yourself.
You just get to work handling the situation AND processing your own difficult emotions.
Having an UN-supportive second-layer reaction makes even the smallest first-layer feelings almost unbearable.
You could start with the smallest spark of self-doubt.
But when you ADD “I shouldn’t be feeling that way” on top of it, it becomes a massive flame.
You could start with the tiniest friction of irritation.
But when you ADD “I’m overreacting” on top of it, it becomes a massive wound.
You could start with the smallest whisper of anxiety.
But when you ADD “What’s wrong with me?” on top of it, it becomes a raging storm.
Btw, this is why telling people to “just calm down” never works.
You’re taking their initial reaction…
You’re ADDING “you should be calm” on top of it…
And that will always create an explosion. It’s as reliable as any chemical reaction.
So even if you don’t know HOW or WHY your initial reaction makes sense…
Start with the premise that it makes sense.
Then ask yourself with curiosity:
HOW does this make sense?
Because every part of you makes sense.
Even if you doubt that…
*I* know 100% that it’s true.
So come talk to me if you want some help having that conversation with yourself :)
What my clients have to say…
“I didn't know what coaching was, and the only time I had ever heard of a life coach is when people are having a midlife crisis. I was afraid coaching was going to be weird or fluffy.
That concern went away completely after our very first conversation, because in our very first conversation, I felt more validated and heard and understood than I ever had with any other professionally trained therapist.
And I felt like I had a better understanding of how we were going to work through everything I was facing, than I ever had gotten from any other type of professional support.
So that concern went away literally from session number one.”
—Client | Head of Business Development at MedTech Company
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