A people-pleaser trap to avoid
No unspoken bids for reciprocity
If you’re a people-pleaser…
Or you’re feeling frustrated and drained in your relationships…
And you feel like you’re giving more than you’re receiving.
I want you to hear this.
A lot of people-pleasers GIVE love in the way that they want to RECEIVE love.
So if you want to be really seen and heard and listened to, you’ll spend a lot of time asking people really thoughtful questions and actively listening to what they’re saying.
Or if you want to receive a lot of gifts or have people take care of the chores for you, you’ll give people gifts and you’ll take care of the chores for them.
But here’s where the problem comes in.
A lot of people-pleasers, when they give love the way they want to receive it, they THINK that they’re communicating:
“I would like you to do this for me, too. This is a bid for reciprocity. By doing this, I’m signaling, I’d like you to do this for me too.”
And that’s the implicit message that they have.
They don’t say it out loud. They just think it’s obvious.
But sometimes the person who’s receiving it doesn’t pick up on your hidden message.
The other person is thinking:
“They’re giving me gifts and they’re doing the chores, and they’re listening to me and asking questions because they just want to.”
They don’t realize that it’s a bid for reciprocity.
They think you’re just doing what you want to do, and they’re doing what they want to do, and there are no problems here.
Nobody’s at fault here. This is literally just a communication error.
So if you’re in this situation where you’re feeling drained and frustrated and like you’re giving more than you’re receiving, here is the answer.
(It’s a really annoying answer.)
You have to communicate.
You can communicate with your words.
You can have an explicit conversation and say, “I would like you to give a little more. The things I give you, I’d like to receive love in those ways.”
Or you can also just communicate with your actions.
You don’t even have to have a conversation if you don’t want to.
If you ask a lot of questions and listen, you can literally just start talking about yourself more and take up more airtime.
If you’re always doing the chores for everyone, you can just ask them to do some chores.
You don’t have to have a whole conversation about reciprocity or boundaries or people-pleasing.
You can literally, just start doing what you want to be doing.
And here’s what’s going to happen.
Some people are just going to adjust.
They’re going to be like,
“I didn’t realize that you wanted to talk about yourself. I didn’t realize that you wanted me to do the chores.
But now that you’ve let me know, awesome.
I’m going to listen to you and I’m going to ask you questions. I’m going to do the chores. I’m going to give you gifts.
Sounds good. Thanks for letting me know.”
And other people are not going to love it.
They are going to say,
“Wait, this isn’t the relationship I entered into.
I thought I entered a relationship where people were just going to ask me questions and just listen to me 80% of the time.
Or people were going to take care of the chores for me all the time.
You’re changing the terms of the relationship on me. I don’t like it anymore.”
And that’s also okay.
This is just revealing a mismatch in your preferences.
The mismatch always existed. It’s just now being brought to light.
And once you know there’s a mismatch, you can decide what you want to do about it.
You might spend a bit less time with them. You might go to them for different things.
(This doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing thing. Just an adjustment.)
And then you have the opportunity to find someone who’s a better fit for what you’re looking for.
Being able to talk openly about what’s not working for you in a relationship…
And step back from relationships that don’t fit with your needs and preferences…
Is. A. Freaking. Superpower.
Study after study shows that the quality of your relationships is THE key driver of your lifelong happiness.
A good relationship massively improves your life…
And a bad relationship massively worsens it.
This is true with friends, family, your spouse, your colleagues — with every human being you come into contact with.
And partly because relationships are so important to us…
Our brains often have a LOT of wonky logic around them.
We don’t say what we really want because we’re afraid we’ll drive the other person away…but in the end, our lack of openness drives them away.
We keep trying to prove ourselves to people who just don’t like us that much…when our time would be better spent finding people who are better fits.
We hide our true selves, thinking nobody wants to see that…when vulnerability is actually the key to connection.
Building the skill of strengthening and deepening your relationships, and the skill of stepping away when things don’t work for you, is one of the THE best investments you can make in your life.
So let’s start today.
What my clients have to say…
“The benefits didn't just impact me — they impacted my teams at work and my family at home. And that's pretty much all you can ask for.”
—Client | Head of Business Development at MedTech Company
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