Don't Be Afraid Of Your Fear
Let me tell you how I start my day. It is not very glamorous, because here's what happens:
Every morning, I sit down at my laptop, I look at my calendar, I look at my to do list, and I feel afraid.
I feel absolutely resistant to starting the day, and all I want to do is run away and not get started.
If we use the self-coaching model to break this down…
Circumstance: The objective facts of the situation
Thought: What you think about those facts
Feeling: How you feel when you think that
Actions: Everything you do and don’t do when you’re feeling that way
Result: The effect of your actions on you
The feeling is fear.
And the actions, or at least what I really want to do, are: scroll on my phone, quit my whole career, and just go do something else, anything else.
And the reason I'm feeling that way and wanting to do those things is because I'm thinking, “I can't do it.”
Today's the day. After all these days where somehow I've managed to get the things on my list done, today is the day that it's not going to happen.
And if I were to keep on thinking, “I can't do it” and feeling afraid, and scrolling on my phone, the result would be “I DON'T do it. I DON’T get anything done.”
So that's where I start my day every single morning.
And once I've identified the thought and diagnosed what's going on in my brain, I always have two options:
Change the thought. Find a different perspective, change how I'm feeling, and get started working.
Change my reaction TO the thought. Not try to change the thought at all. Just change how I think about the fact that this sentence is currently in my brain and this feeling of fear is currently in my nervous system.
Let me tell you, first thing in the morning, it's really hard for me to change the thought.
That fear feels so real, and I feel so frantic that I’m already on Instagram before I realize it.
So I change my reaction TO the thought instead.
Let's start with my default reaction to the thought. What do I automatically think about my fear?
I think my fear is stupid. “Why are you afraid? You've always gotten stuff done. So what's the problem? This fear is illogical.”
I think my fear is dangerous. “If I feel afraid all day, I'm not going to get anything done. I have to change this feeling as soon as possible.”
And when I sit there thinking that my fear is stupid and dangerous, it doesn't help me change how I'm feeling at all.
All that happens is that I have my original fear AND I'm afraid of my fear.
So I end up with 2x the fear.
Not helpful!
So what is another way that I can think about my fear?
Here’s an example — just a whimsical little thing that I came up with a couple of days ago that’s been helping me.
Imagine that you’re the manager of a chess champion.
This is the world's best chess champion. She has a 100% success rate. Imagine the woman in Queen's Gambit. No matter what, she always knocks it out of the park.
She has one flaw, this chess champion. Before every single match, she just freaks out. She gets really scared. She starts crying, and she says, “I can't do it!”
Now, you're her manager. You've seen her succeed at every single match. You know she’s going to crush it.
How would you react to her?
For me, I’d probably just give her a hug and say, “Girl, you got this. Come on, no big deal. You've always got this. Let's do one little thing. Let's just put your shoes on. Let's just get in the elevator to go downstairs. Don't worry about it.”
And I, her manager, would have 100% faith that she can totally do it, because I've seen it every single time, before every single tournament.
And so even though I'm watching my little chess champion freak out, I'm not freaking out about her freak-out.
I'm just like, "Oh, yeah, this is part of the process. No worries. She’s going to be totally fine. She's the best in the world.”
And so my feeling ABOUT my fear is things like: amusement and love and safety and “No big deal. I got you.”
So I still have the fear. But I'm not afraid of the fear.
I’ve got my original little bubble of fear, and I've surrounded it with love and safety and “Take your time,” and “This is just part of the process.”
I don't even change my thoughts. There's still a part of my brain that’s saying, “I can't do it today, and I'm afraid, and I want to run away.”
I just took that little piece, and I wrapped it up in a bubble of love and acceptance.
And I said, “No big deal. I know that you still got this, and I know that this is just part of your process. Nothing is going wrong right now.”
And when I think that about my fear, it’s usually enough for me to take one little step and just get started.
And once I get started, everything clears away, and it's just a normal day.
Creating the life that you actually want requires actions. Probably a bunch of uncomfortable actions that you've never taken before and aren’t sure how they’ll turn out!
And doing the things that you really want to do, even though they're scary, requires understanding and managing your brain and your nervous system, — your thoughts and your feelings — because that's what drives your actions.
And your actions are what create your results.
And what I told you today is one little slice of all the different techniques that I teach my clients.
So if you want to come learn the full methodology, the full toolkit of ways that you can understand and work with your brain and your nervous system, so you can get shit done and create the life you want...
And if you want to have an expert applying the methodology, live, to your specific situation so you don't have to do a bunch of guesswork because I'll just tell you exactly what to do…
Come talk to me and let's get started.
📸 Instagram | 💌 Newsletter | 👋🏽 New? Start here