Feeling Insecure? You Have 3 Options.
You cannot go through life without having your insecurities triggered.
You see yourself in a photo, and you think, “Ugh, I look like that??”
Someone says something insightful at work, and you think, “Why didn’t I think of that?”
If you’ve ever just been walking around, having a perfectly good day…
And then something comes out of nowhere and wallops you with insecurity…
Welcome. This is the human experience.
And when you find yourself in this situation, let me tell you 3 things your brain is going to WANT to do (which are often unhelpful)…
And 3 suggestions for what you can do instead.
Your brain will want to make this an overall Me Problem…
…and then either avoid the problem…
…OR start urgently, frantically problem-solving
This is NOT an effective way to address an insecurity or solve a problem.
Instead, I suggest you choose from one of these 3 options:
1: Agree that something needs to change. Treat this as a Process Problem.
2: Decide that nothing needs to change. Expand your definition of what “good” is.
3: Deprioritize. Maybe being “good” in this specific way isn’t that important.
Let’s see how this would apply to the examples above.
Case Study 1: You see yourself in a photo, and you think, “Ugh, I look like that??”
Your brain will want to make this an overall Me Problem…
“I’m so ugly. I’ve really let myself go. I need more discipline. What’s wrong with me?”
…and then either avoid the problem…
“Get that photo away from me. Cover up all mirrors. Don’t even mention how I look.”
…OR start frantically, urgently problem-solving
“I’m going to cut all carbs immediately. No dessert ever again. Let me hire a trainer.”
Your automatic brain may do these things instinctively before you can even stop it.
And that’s okay.
You don’t have to stop your automatic brain altogether.
You just have to notice when it’s going in an unhelpful direction and redirect it to a more helpful path.
Try one of these options…
Option 1: Agree that something needs to change. Treat this as a Process Problem.
“Yes, I do want to look different than I look today. But this is not a Me Problem aka something fundamentally wrong with me as a person.
This is a Process Problem aka a simple matter of tweaking the things I do until I get the result I want.
I’m a good-looking person. How can I best show myself off?
These pants are too baggy, so let me get a pair that fits better. And I want to lose a little weight, so let me start adding more vegetables into my meals.”
Notice how different it feels to solve a Process Problem vs. a Me Problem.
When something is a Me Problem, it feels urgent and shameful.
And when you’re feeling urgent and shameful, you’re so desperate to get out of your current state that you’re likely to come up with plans that are unrealistic, inflexible, and unsustainable.
When something is a Process Problem, it’s lower stakes and not personal.
And when something is low stakes and impersonal, you have the space to be calm and patient, and you tend to come up with plans that are easy, doable, flexible, and sustainable.
Paradoxically, when the stakes seem high, your automatic brain comes up with worse plans — plans that are LESS likely to lead to long-term success.
I didn’t design this system.
If there was a team of developers working on Automatic Human Brain 2.0, I’d send them a note that said, “System overheats and crashes at critical moments. Please patch bug.”
Unfortunately Brain 2.0 isn’t coming out anytime in our lifetimes.
So I’m just here to tell you how to work with the system you’ve got.
Option 2: Decide that nothing needs to change. Expand your definition of what “good” is.
“You know what? My assessment that I look bad in this picture is wrong.
My brain is automatically comparing me to the airbrushed photos I see in the media, but that’s a totally unrealistic standard. Even the people in those photos don’t actually look like that.
It’s not that I look bad. It’s that my default definition of “looking good in a photo” is way too narrow, and I need to change it.
Let me unfollow the Instagram accounts that make me feel insecure and follow more accounts that show realistic and varied depictions of what people look like.
I can train my brain to internalize a new definition.”
Option 3: Deprioritize. Maybe being “good” in this specific way isn’t that important.
“Yes, I don’t like how I look in this photo.
But guess what? Looking good in photos is not my #1 priority.
Because how I look in a photo has nothing to do with my worth, my beauty, my lovability, or anything else about me.
It’s just…a photo. Just a single flattened snapshot of one moment in time. Who cares.
Let’s move on and focus on other things.”
Case Study 2: Someone says something insightful at work, and you think, “Why didn’t I think of that?”
Your brain will want to make this an overall Me Problem…
“I’m totally unqualified for this job. Why did they hire me? It’s only a matter of time before I’m found out.”
…and then either avoid the problem…
“I don’t want to hear anything else they have to say. They’re probably wrong anyway.”
…OR start frantically, urgently problem-solving
“I need to catch up asap. Let me work more hours, read more documents, and do everything I can think of.”
Pause! This isn’t going to help you feel better OR improve how you’re doing your job.
Try one of these options instead…
Option 1: Agree that something needs to change. Treat this as a Process Problem.
“Yes, it is weird that I didn’t think of that first. How did I miss it?
What do I need to adjust about my daily processes, the data I’m looking at, and my overall approach, so that I don’t miss something like this next time?
I know I’m a good strategist and a good leader. So how can I incorporate this learning?”
Option 2: Decide that nothing needs to change. Expand your definition of what “good” is.
“I don’t think anything has gone wrong here.
I’ve been spending my time on higher-priority issues. I didn’t spend any time thinking about this, and that was the right decision.
And now, this person has given me a great insight and starting point!
Let me not get precious about “intellectual ownership” and who came up with what ideas. Being a good leader isn’t about being the smartest person in the room. It’s about spotting good ideas and running with them.
Let me pass this insight on to my team and see what they can do with it. Thanks!”
Option 3: Deprioritize. Maybe being “good” in this specific way isn’t that important.
“Yes, I could have done a better job here.
And being an A++ manager at this job is just not that important to me.
I’m not excited about my career path here, and I’m pretty sure I need to look for a new job sometime soon.
Let me not worry about trying to do better here and instead focus on polishing up my resume and thinking about what I want to do next.”
If you like this kind of problem-solving…
If you’re a high-stress high achiever who’s determined to stop getting tripped up by stress, insecurity, and imposter syndrome…
And you want to start feeling better, doing better, and creating the life you actually want…
But you can’t quite figure out exactly HOW to do that…
Let me help you:
Break those big goals down into smaller, tackle-able problems.
Step back and get some perspective from your knee-jerk first instincts (which may be leading you in the wrong direction).
Apply a structured framework and process to each problem you’re solving.
And develop and implement the right answer for YOU.
My course & coaching program is full of:
Simple, doable, step-by-step processes that turn intractable Me Problems into solvable Process Problems
Plenty of case studies so you can see how these processes apply in lots of different contexts
Personalized one-on-one coaching to ensure all roadblocks are removed and everyone gets over the finish line
If this sounds like exactly what you want, join the waitlist for my 2023 course & coaching program today.
From Imposter to “I Got This.”
The High-Stress High Achiever’s step-by-step guide to:
- Eliminate work stress and imposter syndrome
- Get clear + get moving on their next career step
- Create a life they love living
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