How to be confident without becoming arrogant
The most common topic I discuss with my clients is self-doubt and imposter syndrome.
And as we work on recognizing their accomplishments, building their confidence, and growing their self trust…
The #1 worry people have is: What if this makes me arrogant?
So here’s how to be more confident without becoming arrogant.
Because the reality is: Arrogance and confidence are actually quite different from each other.
Arrogance has, at its core, a seed of insecurity.
An arrogant person can’t take in feedback or hear that they might be wrong. They’ll dismiss you, or argue with you, or become defensive.
And that’s because arrogant people actually have quite a fragile sense of self.
They HAVE to be right in order to feel like they’re good enough.
Arrogance and self-doubt are actually two sides of the same coin.
An insecure person skews their problem-solving by worrying “Am I good enough? How can I prove myself?” — which is a total distraction from the problem at hand.
An arrogant person ALSO skews their problem-solving by thinking “I’m the best. I’m always right.” — which is ALSO a total distraction from the problem at hand.
An arrogant person and an insecure person are both taking everything personally.
An arrogant person and an insecure person are both making it all about them.
A confident person isn’t thinking about themselves at all.
Confidence is the opposite of arrogance.
A confident person doesn’t HAVE to be right in order to feel like they’re good enough.
A confident person has a strong sense of inner worthiness, regardless of what’s happening around them.
They’re not wondering whether they’re good enough, or whether they belong, or whether or not they’re doing a good job.
And because they’re not thinking about themselves, they have the bandwidth to be 100% focused on the problem in front of them.
And when you’re focused on the problem instead of focused on yourself…
You can take in feedback or hear that you might be wrong without getting defensive.
You have conviction in your perspective while still staying open-minded and flexible enough to change your mind.
You don’t cave at the first dissenting opinion (insecurity) OR cling to your ideas no matter what (arrogance).
You don’t go in assuming the problem is a sign of how unqualified you are (insecurity) OR a sign of how stupid everyone else is (arrogance).
You don’t wilt at the first failure (insecurity) OR blame others for not listening to you (arrogance).
Defeating imposter syndrome is not about inflating your ego.
It’s about creating a baseline level of security and worthiness within yourself…
Which unlocks confidence without arrogance.
And you might be wondering…
HOW do I take things less personally?
HOW do I not make it about me?
HOW do I have a strong sense of inner worthiness, regardless of what’s happening around me?
That sounds impossible — or at the very least, so emotionally advanced that I don’t anticipate getting there for years and years!
Don’t worry.
You don’t need to go back in time and give yourself a perfect childhood.
You don’t have to do three million years of therapy.
You don’t have to leave society, join a remote monastery, and become an advanced Zen monk.
You just have to learn the skill of changing your Mental Mode.
Arrogant Mode, Self-Doubting Mode, and Confident Mode are three different Mental Modes that already exist in your brain.
You can think of them like three different roads in your head.
You don’t have to pave the roads from scratch. They’re already there.
What you have to do is notice when your brain has gone down one of the less helpful roads…
And then change lanes back to the road you want your brain to be on.
You have to notice when your brain has gone into Self-Doubting Mode or Arrogant Mode.
And then switch back into Confident Mode and stay there.
How do you do that? That’s what I teach you to do in my coaching program.
My foundational course breaks this process down step by step.
My case study library gives you plenty of real-life examples of people figuring out how to change their Mental Modes.
And coaching with me gives you the hands-on, one-on-one support you need to gain mastery of this skill.
Come get a sample of Mental Mode coaching with a free anonymized public coaching call.
Or come talk to me to about joining my one-on-one coaching program and gaining mastery over your Mental Modes for life.
What my clients have to say…
“I have more confidence.
I advocate for myself a lot more at work. I second guess myself a lot less.
I have healthier relationships with my family, because we talked about how to advocate for boundaries, and how to have a healthy spin on some of the complicated family dynamics that naturally arise.
My husband started noticing the progress I was making and commenting on how different my behavior was and how different my mental state and level of wellness was.
And that was super. That was the validation for me that this was absolutely worth it, if even he can see that his partner is doing better.”
—Client | Head of Business Development at MedTech Company
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