How to motivate yourself to change
Treat yourself like a surly 14-year-old
Imagine that you’re trying to convince a fourteen-year-old that they should care about their grades and study hard in school.
Studying isn’t that appealing on its own merits.
On any given day, hanging out with their friends or scrolling TikTok or playing video games is always going to sound more fun than studying.
So how do you persuade them to do the less fun thing?
Not just today – but five days a week for four years?
There are three things you could do.
Tactic 1: Exert force
This is the “Because I said so” strategy.
Get angry at them if they don’t study.
Yell at them about their grades.
Lecture them about how terrible their life will be if they don’t get their act together.
Tell them how disappointed you are that they’re so lazy.
Ground them if they don’t do their work.
Pros:
This can be highly effective in the short-term.
Cons:
If this is the only tactic you use, and you apply it five days a week for four years, you’re going to wreck your relationship with this teenager.
They’ll hate you. Or they’ll hate themselves for never being able to measure up to your standards. Or both.
And they’re probably going to get really good at being sneaky.
They know you’ll yell at them if they do something wrong, so they’ll learn how to hide their problems and mistakes.
Tactic 2: Explain the long-term benefits
Use rational arguments. Appeal to logic.
Explain that their GPA is an average of their grades across all four years. So every grade matters for the final result.
Explain that GPA is one of the factors colleges will consider when deciding who to admit.
Explain that getting into a good college will not only enrich them educationally and socially but also help them get a good job afterward.
Explain that getting a good job after college can help set them up for a great career, which can not only be personally and professionally fulfilling but also earn them enough money to live a comfortable lifestyle, raise a good family, and retire with a sizable nest egg.
Pros:
This is an accurate description of the situation.
This is a strong logical argument that would hold up well in a debate tournament.
Cons:
The day-to-day snap decision-making of teenagers — and adults! — is often not driven by logic and reason. It’s often driven by impulses and emotions.
This argument is perfectly logical…but it’s pretty abstract.
When it’s 4 pm on a Tuesday, and you want your teenager to do their calculus homework, not turn on the TV…
Is telling them about averages and college admission and careers and financial security going to tip the scales?
Or are they going to hear all that and still say, “Eh, homework can wait. What difference does a few hours make anyway?”
The other drawback to this tactic is that it opens you up to negotiation.
“College admissions? That’s a rigged game anyway. I’m not sure that I even want to support those elitist institutions.”
“A career? Working for companies is dead, boomer. I can make plenty of money by becoming an influencer.”
And suddenly you’ve opened a whole can of worms you have no idea how to deal with.
Tactic 3: Tie it to the kind of person they want to be
Who do they look up to?
Who are their role models?
What people — real or fictional — do they idolize?
Before you do any persuading or forcing, go in with curiosity to learn what kind of person they want to be.
And then help them make the connection: A person like THAT does THIS.
They admire rappers? Well, rappers have an impressive command of poetry and language — rappers do well in English class. And rappers need business savvy to build their empires — rappers do great in math and economics classes too.
They admire influencers? Influencers are well-organized and highly productive. They juggle a ton of hats every day, from content creation to negotiating deals, and they get it all done consistently and on time.
Pros:
This is possibly THE most effective motivation for choosing to do the less fun thing every day for a long period of time.
When you have a clear sense of who you want to be and how the actions you’re taking today are making you more like that person, you WANT to do those things, even if they’re inherently less fun than watching TV or hanging out with your friends.
And this improves your relationship with that teenager.
You didn’t scare them with punishments.
You didn’t bore them with a lecture.
You got curious about who they want to be and you helped them build a plan to get there.
Cons:
You’ll have to let go of who you think your teenager SHOULD be and embrace who they actually WANT to be.
And that’s pretty scary!
You’ll probably feel a strong urge to judge their desires instead of being curious about them.
Your first instinct might be to say something like, “Rapper?? Influencer??? Get out of here, grow up, and aim to get a practical job.”
You don’t react like that because you hate this kid.
You react like that because you LOVE this kid.
You’re trying to keep them safe and make sure they’re happy and secure and successful. All of which are awesome end goals!
But if you get too fixed about the pathway that leads to safety and security for them, you can end up quashing who they really are and wrecking your relationship with them.
So you’ve got to stay open and curious — which is scary when the stakes seem so high!
But worth it when it comes to the results they create and the relationship you build with them.
Now why am I telling you all this?
This isn’t really parenting advice.
This is SELF-parenting advice.
That 14-year-old that needs to do their homework every day?
That’s YOU.
Except you don’t need to do your homework
You need to eat healthy, workout more, drink less…
Go to that awkward networking event.
Ask for that promotion.
Apply for that job.
Speak up in that meeting.
Or whatever else that you KNOW would be good for you to do in the long-term…
But that you just don’t feel like doing in the short term.
And when you’re motivating yourself to try to do that thing…
Don’t exert force.
That’s only effective in the very short term, and over time, it wrecks your relationship with yourself.
Don’t appeal to logic and long-term benefits.
It’s all true, but it’s not necessarily motivating in the moment.
And it’s likely to send you down a rabbit-hole of self-negotiation.
Get curious about who you want to be and help your brain make the connection: A person like THAT does THIS.
Don’t ask: Who SHOULD I be?
Ask: Who do I WANT to be?
Listen to your brain’s answer with curiosity, not judgment.
And work together with your brain to start being that person today.
And if you’re not sure exactly how to do that, come talk to me and let’s start today.
Your inner fourteen-year-old will thank you.
What my clients have to say…
“It's honestly fun. You're working on the most important thing in your life — your goals and your aspirations.
And you're doing it in a manner that is not harsh or strict. In fact, it's quite fun.
It's like a video game, and you get to gently make progress towards the things that matter.”
—Client | Solutions Engineer at Fintech Company
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