How to Stop Feeling So Behind
Today we're going to talk about one of the number one problems my clients come to me with (and something I struggled with for a long time too!), which is always feeling behind.
You’ve your to-do list. You've got emails. You’ve got slack messages, and people reaching out.
You just run around all day, feeling like “God, I'm so behind on everything!”
Let's break that situation down using the self-coaching model, where we categorize everything into one of five components
Circumstances: the plain, boring facts of the situation
Thought: the thought that you have about your circumstance
Feeling: the feeling you have, when you think that thought
Action: the actions you take when you feel that way
Result: the result you create for yourself through those actions
So, when you're running around, feeling behind, what is really going on?
The facts of the situation are your to-do list. It's just words on paper or words on a screen. Totally neutral. That list is not doing anything to you.
But you look at the list and you have a thought. That thought for me, was “I'm behind.” And I really believed this!
I didn't even realize it was a thought. I thought it was a fact, but it's not.
And when I think “I'm behind,” I feel frantic.
And when I'm feeling frantic, I do, one of two things. Either I scramble. So I kind of run around half-doing a bunch of things and not really getting anything done, not focusing.
Or I avoid. I grab my phone, I grab a snack, I walk away. I don't want to deal with it.
And when I scramble and I avoid, the result I create is that I get behind.
This is so important to understand. The to-do list does not cause you to get behind. It doesn't make you feel frantic and it doesn't make you scramble or avoid.
The reason that you're feeling and acting the way that you are is because of the thought you were having about the to do list. That is what's creating all of this.
So you don't need less stuff on your to-do list. You don't need a better time management system. You don't need a team. You don't need any of it.
You need a different thought about the list.
So what could you think?
A lot of times your brain will jump to the exact opposite.
It'll be like, “Oh, so you want me to think I'm ahead? That's wrong. I don't like that thought. So I'm just going to stay here and keep thinking that I'm behind.”
This is a sneaky trick that your brain likes to play on you, where it jumps to the extreme opposite, rejects it, then says, “Let's just stay here.”
Don't fall for it, okay? There are a lot more options than just “I'm behind” and “I'm ahead.” You could think anything you want about your to-do list!
So here is an example of how you can brainstorm a new thought for yourself. You could start by asking yourself. “How do I know that I'm behind? Behind relative to what? What is the standard exactly?”
For me, I realized the standard I unconsciously set for myself was “I get everything done every day.” I just thought that was what I was supposed to do.
So if a new thing landed on my plate, I got really stressed because I was like, “I can't do this today.” And I thought that was a problem, because I thought that was what I was supposed to do!
But what if that's not true? What if I don't have to do everything every day? And what if I don't have to do everything to 100% quality all the time?
Here is a new perspective that I came up with for myself. Once I realized the slightly crazy standard that I was holding myself to without even realizing, the new thought I came up with, for myself was “I ride the wave.”
I don’t have to do everything every day. The only thing I need to do is make really good decisions about what to do, how much time do invest, when to do it, and what NOT to do.
And so when I started thinking, “I ride the wave,” I felt in control. (Which by the way was what I wanted all along, right? I wanted to feel in control.)
And when I feel in control, I decided what to do and what not to do. Even if I wasn't doing something, that was an active choice I was making.
And when I decide what to do and decide what not to do consciously and actively, the result I create is that I stay on top of it.
And I didn't need a different to-do list or a different job or anything. I just needed a different perspective on the list that I already had.
And so guys, when you're coming up with new thoughts and new perspectives, it's not about repeating a mantra to yourself or brainwashing yourself into believing something you don't believe.
It's about uncovering the assumptions that you've made already without even realizing it and addressing them.
And saying, “Hey, what is a compelling different perspective that I can create for myself that I actually believe, that actually makes me feel better and that makes me act differently and creates different results in my life?”
Now, you guys make compelling arguments to people in your life all day long.
If you're in consulting or you’re a product manager, or honestly, if you ever talk to other people, you know how to make compelling arguments.
You know how to understand what someone else is thinking, and then decide what you're going to say to them in order to persuade them to think differently.
And that's exactly what you need to be doing with yourself. Understanding what you're thinking, what it's creating for you, and then creating a new perspective that makes you feel better and get more stuff done.
So, if you want to understand what's really going on with you…
And if you want to learn how to make compelling arguments, to shake yourself out of your current perspective, and feel better and get stuff done.
(And by the way, learn how to apply this stuff, in the moment on a consistent basis. So you're not just thinking about it in theory, but you're actually putting it in practice…)
Then come talk to me because that's exactly what I'll teach you.
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