How to Turn Your "Shoulds" into Genuine "Wants"
There are few things more frustrating than when you know what you SHOULD do but you’re just not doing it.
Things like…
Picking up the phone and making those appointments
Getting started on that hairy project you’ve been avoiding
Ordering the side salad instead of the fries
NOT snapping at your spouse, your kids, or your team
You WANT to do these things.
If you didn’t want to do them, you wouldn’t get so frustrated when it didn’t get done.
But here’s the problem.
Somewhere along the line, that genuine want got twisted into a should in your mind.
And telling yourself you should do something is never as fun, motivating, or energizing as telling yourself that you want to do something.
So how can you tap into the power of want rather than should?
Let me tell you 2 ways NOT to do it, and then 1 way to do it.
Do NOT…
Blindly swap out the word “should” for “want” in your vocabulary. I mean, you’re welcome to try this. But I find that the effect is often quite hollow, and it feels more like chanting an affirmation than actually changing your mind about something.
Ignore every thought that comes into your mind as a “should” and only listen to the thoughts that come in as a “want.” Again, you’re welcome to try this. But I find that this leaves people feeling queasy and mistrusting. The “should-first” thoughts often contain practical good sense, and the “want-first” thoughts seem self-indulgent. Just flipping your compass upside down is not the answer.
Here’s the best way to handle your “should’s”…
Let the “should” come into your brain…
And pop the hood to find out what kind of “should” it is. 🚗
There are 3 kinds of should’s.
1: A genuine “want”
This is something that, when you think about it, you actually want to do. There’s no conflict or restriction at all. The wires just got crossed somewhere along the way.
If your “should” is a genuine want, then tap into your want and enjoy the heck out of doing something you WANT to do.
For example:
I genuinely WANT to send these emails every week. I love thinking about them, I love writing them, and I love hitting send.
But sometimes, if it’s been a long day or a week, my brain will say “You should send out an email. You’re running behind.” And that feels like drudgery.
In those moments, the solution isn’t to avoid writing OR to force myself to do it.
It’s to tap into my genuine WANT and then write.
2: The end goal is a “want” but this isn’t the best path
Sometimes, you really do want the end goal that your “should” would give you. But the path that your brain is suggesting isn’t the best one.
In that case, identify what you really want and then find a better path.
For example:
When I go out to eat, I’ll often think “I should order a salad.” But let me tell you — I don’t WANT a salad. So what do I really want?
If I pause and think about it for a second — what I really want is to not feel gross or guilty after the meal.
And there are multiple ways to achieve that goal! I don’t have to eat a sad bowl of leaves to get what I want. I can also order something yummy and just eat half.
3: A pure “should” with no “want” at all
Sometimes, the “should” is a completely made-up rule that your brain got from god-knows-where, and there’s not even a grain of “want” behind it.
In that case, just throw it out.
For example:
I think I should get up at 5 or 6 in the morning.
Why? Because (according to my brain) “That’s just what productive people do. Good people are morning people and bad, lazy people stay up late and get up late.”
Yeah, this is a pure “should.” The same amount of work gets done either way. It doesn’t matter whether I do it in the morning or at night. And honestly, I’m a night owl!
So I ditched this rule and just started doing what I want.
Don’t gloss over or ignore your “should’s.”
Work with them.
So many people ask me — How do I get rid of that self-critical voice in my head?
And I want to tell them — You don’t need to get rid of it! You need to learn how to work WITH it.
Your should’s and your self-critical voice aren’t trying to hurt you.
It’s just your brain trying to send you a message, the best way it knows how.
You and your self-critical voice are on the same side. You just need to learn how to speak each others’ language and work productively together.
That relationship may be very fractious right now — full of shouting, criticism, rebellions, and crackdowns.
But we can heal that relationship and put it into 100% alignment.
You just need to learn how to listen, stay patient, and build trust with yourself.
If you can do that, you can handle anything life throws at you with grace, poise, and a good sense of humor.
The life you want — and the relationship you want with yourself — can be built starting today.
I can show you exactly how.
Come talk to me, and let’s get it done.
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