“I can't just do what I want all the time.” YES YOU CAN.
Should vs. Want conflicts are a common topic among my clients.
And every time we realize that a problem has a Should vs. Want conflict at the heart of it, I take clients through my four-step process for resolving it and, brick by brick, building the life they actually want.
And 99% of the time, here’s what people say to me as we do this:
“Hang on. I can’t just do what I want ALL the time. That’s crazy!”
To which I always reply:
“YES! YOU! CAN!!!!”
Here’s why—
1: Your Wants are good.
People’s first concern about doing only what they want is that their Wants are lazy, self-indulgent, and short-sighted.
But your Wants have two layers: the Surface Want and the Real Underlying Want.
The Surface Want might be: I want to order pizza for dinner tonight.
The Real Underlying Want below that might be: I want to relax, unwind, and not spend energy cooking and cleaning up.
And you could honor that Real Underlying Want by ordering pizza…OR doing something else, that still fulfills that Want in a different way!
(I’ll usually throw together a wrap that’s quick to make, uses one plate, but is healthier than Domino’s.)
The Surface Want might be: I want to procrastinate doing my taxes.
The Real Underlying Want below that might be: I don’t want to do something boring. I want to do something interesting and engaging.
It’s probably a good idea to do your taxes…but you could still honor that Real Underlying Want by turning on your favorite show while you gather your receipts, or making it a speed competition with someone else.
(I ended up using tax prep as an opportunity to reflect on everything I did in 2022 and how much my life has changed in the last ~16 months.)
The Surface Want might be: I don’t want to do this busywork my manager or client is asking for.
The Real Underlying Want below that might be: I don’t want to spend my time on things that don’t move the needle. I want to cut the BS and do what matters.
And that’s a great Want — that’s a Want that makes you good at your job, not bad at it. Stick with it!
The point is: Your Wants are good, valid, and legitimate.
They are not lazy, self-indulgent, or undisciplined. There is smart thinking behind your Wants, which you can easily find by asking: What’s the Real Underlying Want here?
And it’s incredibly possible to honor your Real Underlying Wants without sacrificing the external results you want too.
You just need to point your brain at the question: How can I have it all? How can I get everything I want without any Should’s? Solve THAT puzzle.
And DON’T point your brain at the question: How can I reconcile myself to not getting what I want? How can I discipline and willpower myself through my Should’s?
That’s not a puzzle worth solving. That’s how you build a life you hate.
2: Your Wants are self-updating.
People are often afraid that if they just do what they want, they will be blind to advice, suggestions, feedback, and data about what’s working and not working.
But that’s not what actually happens.
Doing what you want is NOT about anchoring to your Surface Wants and then never budging no matter what happens.
It’s about anchoring to your Real Underlying Wants, staying flexible about how you get there, and being very open to new, even better ways of getting there.
When you’re crystal clear on your Real Underlying Wants and you give yourself permission to go after them 100%, you are eager for new ideas and fresh data that inform your approach on how to get there.
You’ll get advice from someone that illuminates a new, even easier way to get what you want. And you’re like “Yes! Let’s do that! Love it — thank you for the advice!”
You’ll try something that you were sure would work, and it’ll totally flop. And (after you pick yourself back up :) you’ll say, “That was a great learning. Turns out I was wrong about that. Here’s what we’ll try next.”
Someone will tell you about a challenge you’re likely to run into, and you’ll say, “Thanks for the head’s up! Here’s how I’ll solve for that. Got it.”
Staying laser-focused on doing what you want does NOT make you blind, stubborn, or closed off.
It’s actually the best way to clarify, filter, and make sense of all the advice and Should’s you’ll be bombarded with.
3: Your Wants allow you to find your people.
This is the last common concern I hear from people when it comes to doing what they want. They tell me: But then I’ll be out there on an island all alone, while everyone else does “what’s normal.”
Here’s the bad news: You are not a unique genius. You are not the first person in all of human history to want what you want and have your perspective on the world.
And here’s the good news: You are not a unique genius. You are not the first person in all of human history to want what you want and have your perspective on the world. There are lots of other people like you.
But your people can’t find you, and you can’t find them, unless you lean all the way into what you want.
I thought that not having kids would mean that I’d be a lonely weirdo forever.
But when I leaned all the way into not wanting to be a parent, I discovered massive communities of other people who don’t want kids (as well as lots of parents who supported my decision and thought it was awesome).
The more honest I was about who I am and what I want, the MORE and BETTER connections I found with others.
I thought that my marketing had to be short and snappy, and there was no way I could “indulge myself” by writing long pieces like I do.
But when I leaned all the way into writing exactly the kind of pieces I like to write, I found all the people who love my writing exactly the way it is and wanted even more.
The more honest I was about who I am and what I want, the MORE and BETTER connections I found with others.
It’s a big, big world out there. You are not alone. Your people are waiting for you.
And even the people who don’t have the same wants as you will be relieved and inspired by seeing someone going after what they really want.
People don’t want similarity. People want authenticity.
It is such a breath of fresh air to see someone else being unapologetically themselves.
Because it gives everyone else permission to be unapologetically themselves TOO.
I want you to be ruthlessly disciplined about doing what you want ALL the time.
And it does take discipline.
Doing what you want is not a self-indulgent walk in the park.
It takes courage, self-belief, and a willingness to experiment and let things flop until you figure out a way to have it all.
My entire business strategy for this year is to ONLY do what I want to do, and let me tell you: This is the LEAST lazy thing I have ever done.
I’ve done them both, and doing what I “should” do is WAY easier, because I can just close my eyes and follow along blindly.
Being rigorously focused on my wants above all has required a lot more uncertainty, courage, risk-taking, and creative problem-solving.
And it’s gotten me way better results.
It’s helped me build a life I LOVE — one that is custom-fit exactly to ME.
Following your wants is a skill like any other.
It’s scary at first. You’re not very good at it when you start out.
But with practice, training, and support, you get better and better until it becomes second nature.
And it is THE most worthwhile skill you can build, because it unlocks your ability to create the exact life you want for yourself.
So come talk to me, and let’s get started today.
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