I’ve been telling all my clients about this thing that happened to me in speed dating…
Almost all high achievers have a vague, constant feeling that they’re not doing enough…
That they’re falling behind…
That they’re doing things wrong…
That they’re not good enough…
They work and work and work to try to outrun that feeling.
And sometimes they CAN outrun the feeling for a few minutes or hours or days.
But it always seems to come back, no matter what.
Well, a few months ago, I signed up for a speed dating event…
And something happened during the event that really shook up my perspective on this perpetual problem that high achievers face.
I’ve told several of my clients this story, and now I’m going to tell it to you :)
The event started at 6 pm.
The event registration said to please arrive early so that they could start promptly on time.
The venue was 20 minutes away, so I left my apartment at 5:30 pm so I could get there a little early.
And then, I ran into subway delays.
The train I was planning to take just didn’t come, and by the time I realized it wasn’t coming, I was running late.
I quickly checked all my options.
I could walk to a different subway line and take that train, but then I’d be 20 minutes late.
Or I could take a cab and then I’d be 10 minutes late.
I bit the bullet and got a cab, even though it was at least 10x more expensive than the subway.
You can’t start speed dating until everyone is there! And I didn’t want to hold up the entire event!
I emailed the event organizer from the cab and let her know I’d be there around 6:10.
My cabbie cut all the corners. I sprinted from the cab to the venue. And I made it there at 6:07 pm.
I fully expected that I would walk in and all the faces would turn and stare — balefully glaring at me for holding up everyone else.
And instead…
The organizer met me with a big smile, handed me my name tag, and said, “I love it – all the women are showing up early!”
It turns out…
They SAID the event would start promptly at 6…
Knowing that people would inevitably be late…
And they were actually planning to start the event at 6:30.
I had rushed and sprinted and stressed myself out and paid 10x more…
Trying to meet a falsely inflated standard of success.
Here’s why leaders, organizers, managers, parents, and other authority figures set falsely inflated standards of success.
They’re NOT doing it to take advantage of you.
They are doing it because they need to set ONE standard for a diverse group of people.
You are just one person in the whole crowd of people they’re addressing.
And yes, YOU follow the rules and show up on time and always strive to surprise & delight.
YOU are not the problem.
The authority figure is not actually talking to you.
The authority figure is talking to the people in their group who they KNOW will fall below the bar.
The people who, no matter what you tell them to do, will do 20% less than you asked.
The people who, by always doing a little less, actually drag the whole group down.
THAT’S who the authority figure is talking to when they set the bar.
And because they know those people will do 20% less…
They set the bar 20% higher.
And then YOU kill yourself trying to surpass a standard of success that was artificially inflated to begin with.
So what if the reason that you can’t seem to shake that persistent feeling that you’re not good enough…
Is because you’re measuring yourself against an artificially inflated bar for success that wasn’t even set with you in mind?
I know you LOVE to meet, exceed, and crush expectations.
I’m not telling you to stop doing that.
Clear expectations make you lock in and get it done with incredible focus and commitment.
This is a strength, not a weakness.
I’m just telling you, before you lock in on those expectations…
Ask yourself: Who set these expectations?
And who were they really talking to, when they set them?
NO standard of success is objectively “right” or “good” or “what should be done” at all times, in all situations, by all people.
EVERY standard of success was set by a normal, fallible human being who was trying to advance an agenda.
Always wake up early?
Somebody made that up (and was probably talking to people who sleep in till noon every day).
Respond to all emails within a day or two?
Somebody made that up (and was probably talking to people who ignore emails for weeks at a time).
Hit your targets 100% of the time?
Somebody made that up (and was probably talking to people who hit their targets 50% of the time).
Get promoted every year or two?
Somebody made that up (and was probably talking to people who stagnate in place).
Get married in your 20s or 30s and have two kids?
Somebody made that up (and was probably talking to people who are allergic to all forms of adult-level of maturity and responsibility).
This poor authority figure is just trying to get the group average to a 7/10.
They’re not worried about you. They know you’re going to get a 9 or 10/10 no matter what.
They’re worried about the people that perpetually get a 4/10 (a level of performance that is so low that you can barely imagine it).
So the authority figure sets the bar as 10/10…
And they declare it very strongly and strictly to everyone in the group because they can’t be seen to be flexible on this…
…But their real goal is to get the 4/10 people to a 7/10.
Meanwhile, YOU kill yourself trying to get a 12/10…
When all the authority figure really wanted was a 7/10 from everyone.
So open your eyes and ask yourself:
Where I am holding myself to falsely inflated standards set by people who aren’t even talking to me?
At work?
At home?
In my personal goals?
In parenting?
In my relationships?
And what are the REAL standards I want to hold myself to instead?
This is usually not a 30 minute exercise where you answer that question and then immediately start holding yourself to your new standards of success in all areas of your life.
The old standards are likely to be entrenched in your brain, ingrained through years of habit, reward, and reinforcement.
But if you can uproot them and replace them with standards you actually agree with…
Standards make sense for you and are fully achievable and realistic…
Then you can kill that voice in your head that always tells you that you’re off track.
That’s exactly what I help my clients do.
So come talk to me and let’s make your plan for getting this done :)
What my clients have to say…
“I have a healthier internal monologue. I still have an internal monologue, but it’s a positive one.
And there are moments where I slip back into some of the negative thought cycles I used to be in, and it’s almost like I can hear—
‘Pooja would tell me to stop assuming that everyone thinks I'm annoying. And Pooja would tell me to advocate for myself, because what's the worst that could happen? And Pooja would tell me to take a break and acknowledge that thought, but not get sucked into it and move on with my day.’
There’s a second layer now of my internal monologue that is the healthy helper, which I developed from coaching, that just stops me from ever regressing too far into those negative thoughts.”
—Client | Head of Business Development at MedTech Company
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