Never Wanting to Feel Bad is Like Never Wanting to Feel Cold
This is my favorite ever analogy about so-called “negative emotions”—
Many people hire a coach because they’re (metaphorically) walking on a frozen tundra wearing nothing but a t-shirt.
They’re cold ALL the time. And not just a little cold — shivering, bone-deep, can’t-feel-my-fingers cold.
And they’re like, “Hell no. I can’t do this anymore.”
Through coaching, they learn three essential skills:
Skill 1: How to put on a jacket
That is, how to stay in the frozen tundra but NOT let it affect your internal body temperature so much.
Because you don’t actually care what the temperature is outside.
What you care about is HOW YOU FEEL.
And we can make YOU feel warmer without having to change the climate in the entire region.
It may take some testing and learning to figure out which jacket is most effective in keeping you warm.
It may take some habit-building for you to remember to put your jacket on every day.
And you may have to troubleshoot and adjust when one day is MUCH colder than usual and your normal jacket isn’t enough.
But with the right equipment, you can be safe and warm in ANY climate.
With the right mindset, you can be calm and effective in ANY environment.
Skill 2: How to move to a warmer climate
That is, how to decide WHEN you want to put on a jacket and WHEN you want to just get out of the Arctic and move to Hawaii.
AND how to courageously commit and follow through on moving to Hawaii even if everyone around you thinks the tundra is the best thing ever and the “right” place to be.
Because there’s no moral purity in staying or leaving.
It’s not that “strong people make the best of their current situation” and “weak people change their situation.”
You can take full responsibility for keeping yourself warm and safe AND decide that you want to keep yourself warm and safe in a different location.
That decision is ALWAYS up to you.
Skill 3: How to tolerate being cold sometimes
Whether you live in the Arctic or Hawaii or Kansas or New Jersey, there will still be days when you feel cold because the temperature isn’t EXACTLY to your preferences.
And you don’t have to scramble to put a jacket on.
And you don’t have to rush to move to a new city.
You can learn how to just be a little cold for a little while.
The ultimate goal of all this work is NOT to never feel cold again.
Sometimes people will learn all three of these skills VERY well and then they’ll say:
But hang on! I still feel “negative” emotions sometime!!
I still get disappointed / angry / afraid / doubtful / ashamed / sad!
What the heck! Why isn’t this working??
But imagine if you were an explorer whose goal was to never feel anything but the perfect temperature.
You could achieve that goal if you wanted to.
You would just have to SEVERELY limit the scope of your travels.
You’d have to stay inside your perfectly temperature-controlled house as much as possible.
You could only go outside if you’d checked the weather and made sure it was going to stay in the PERFECT three-degree temperature zone the whole time you’re outside.
You’d have to carefully plan exactly what you’re going to wear and carry lots of backups so that you never feel even a moment of discomfort.
You can try to live a life where you only feel the perfect temperature.
You can try to live a life where you only feel positive emotions.
But I don’t think that you actually want to do that — not when you fully grasp the LIMITATIONS that it requires.
But luckily…
When you trust yourself to know how to put on a jacket…
And you trust yourself to move to a different climate when you want to…
And you trust yourself to just be a little cold sometimes and let it pass…
You don’t have to worry so much about what the temperature is going to be tomorrow.
You can walk boldly into any climate, any terrain, any situation…
And know that you’ve got this.
These are the exact 3 skills that I teach in my course and coaching program.
And if you’re ready to learn them, then join the waitlist. We start in 2023.
From Imposter to “I Got This.”
The High-Stress High Achiever’s step-by-step guide to:
- Eliminate work stress and imposter syndrome
- Get clear + get moving on their next career step
- Create a life they love living
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