One simple reframe to help you care less about external validation
The parable of the beggar who didn’t know he was rich
Here’s the mental model that makes external validation feel so appealing.
Currently, I am poor.
They (whoever I’m seeking validation from) have riches — approval, love, belonging, support, sponsorship, etc.
If I make them happy, they will give me some of their riches.
Whether it’s worrying about how your boss perceives you…
Or that a mentor won’t “get” the next step you’re taking in your career…
Or that your peers won’t be impressed with you at your next school reunion…
Or that the other people at the restaurant are silently judging you for your screaming toddler…
The same mental model is at work under the surface.
“If I can make that other person happy with me, I am going to GET something that I don’t currently have.”
But I don’t think this mental model is accurate.
So let’s flip it on its head.
I think it’s really…
Currently, I have riches — my time, my energy, my effort, my dedication, my expertise, etc.
They (whoever I’m seeking validation from) are one possible place for me to invest my riches and get a return.
Do I think that investing my riches in them is a high ROI investment?
I want you to literally picture yourself sitting on a pile of gold.
And you are deciding where to invest this gold.
Yes, you can invest your time, energy, and effort in making your boss think you never step away from your computer when you’re working from home.
Is that a high ROI investment?
What else could be you be investing in, if you weren’t investing in that?
Yes, you can invest your mental bandwidth and communication skills in making your mentors understand why this is the best next career step for you when they disagree.
Is that a high ROI investment?
What else could be you be investing in, if you weren’t investing in that?
Yes, you can invest a significant portion of your career strategy into making sure your peers will be impressed when you tell them what you do.
Is that a high ROI investment?
What else could be you be investing in, if you weren’t investing in that?
Yes, you can invest your worrying and apologizing and relationship skills into managing your reputation with the strangers at the restaurant while your toddler is screaming.
Is that a high ROI investment?
What else could be you be investing in, if you weren’t investing in that?
I don’t want to pretend that you don’t need other people. You do!
We’re social beings in a deeply interdependent society.
Of course you need love and approval and validation and belonging and support and sponsorship from others.
And giving to others is one of the most surefire ways to create fulfillment, satisfaction, meaning, and purpose in your life.
You are not an island, and I don’t want you to become one.
I just want you to realize that, when you seek things from others…
You’re coming from more of a position of power than you realize.
You are not a pauper begging for scraps.
You are an investor stewarding and allocating the riches within you to the highest ROI investments.
What would you be doing differently, if you saw yourself this way?
If you want to evaluate how your current investments are performing…
Or brainstorm a new investment allocation and consider the risks and rewards of shifting your position…
Swing by for a no-strings-attached coffee chat! :)
It’s not a sales call. I’m not going to pitch you to hire me as your coach :)
It’s just an opportunity for us to discuss whatever’s on your mind, and I’ll be as helpful as I can be.
And if you want to not only devise your new investment strategy, but also put it fully into practice…
And embed this way of thinking into your life…
So that you can spend less time worrying about what other people think and more time doing what you think is right and being in flow…
Then let’s talk about working together in a full coaching engagement.
What my clients have to say…
“I have more confidence. I advocate for myself a lot more at work.
I second guess myself a lot less.
I have healthier relationships with my family, because we talked about how to advocate for boundaries, and how to have a healthy spin on some of the complicated family dynamics that naturally arise.”
—Client | Head of Business Development at MedTech Company
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