Say Hello to the Five-Year-Old In Your Brain
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So we’ve talked about how thoughts (not circumstances!) create feelings and actions, different types of thoughts, and how to figure out what you’re even thinking right now.
Finally — we’re here. We’re going to talk about how to change your thoughts.
From everything you’ve read so far, it might seem like it has to be some big, elaborate process. You dig deep into the beliefs you have today. You uncover some scary skeletons, have a big epiphany, cry once or twice, and then rigorously practice believing the new thing you’ve decided to believe.
And listen, there is some of that.
But 90% of the thought management I do is what I call “the light touch.”
The vast majority of the thoughts you have every day come from your automatic brain. They’re just popping up all the time, everywhere you go. It doesn’t take any effort to produce them, but you probably couldn’t stop them even if you tried.
Now remember, your automatic brain is very fast and very active, but it’s not very sophisticated. So those thoughts that come up all day long? It’s kind of as if the five-year-old version of yourself was following you around all day and just commenting on everything.
How would you handle a five-year-old? You probably wouldn’t yell at her — that would really freak her out. At the same time, you wouldn’t let her run the show — she’s just a five-year-old. You can’t take everything she says seriously.
Here are four kinds of “light touches,” all of which I employed between waking up and sitting down to write this piece.
The “hear and acknowledge”
6:00 am, brushing my teeth
Automatic brain: I’m so tired. I’m so tired!! I’m sooooo tiiiiirrrreeeed.
Me: Super tired, huh?
Automatic brain: BIG TIRED.
Me: I totally get it. I hear you. Big hugs.
Automatic brain: Okay fine.
The “vent it out”
8:00 am, hungry but needing to finish a few chores before eating
Automatic brain: I need to EAT!!
Me: I know, we just have to take care of the dog first.
Automatic brain: This is bullshit! I’m starving!!
Me: Oh you’re pissed, huh?
Automatic brain: Super pissed! Waiting is bullshit. Oatmeal is bullshit. Fruit? Double bullshit. We should eat now, and we should eat CHIPS.
Me: You’re so mad, huh?
Automatic brain: Soooo!!! Maaad!!!
Me: You’re funny.
Automatic brain: Okay fine, I feel better now anyway.
The “boop — redirect!”
8:15 am, sitting down to eat breakfast
Automatic brain: Hmm. Feeling a little pain today. I stopped taking painkillers recently — is that why? Should I start taking them again? I can’t take painkillers safely long term. That’s scary. Maybe I need to do more physical therapy? I don’t want to spend even MORE time doing PT! I don’t have time for this. Maybe I need to…
Me: Boop! We’re not doing this! We’ll track our pain today and check in after two weeks to see if we need to adjust anything.
Automatic brain: Oh, okay.
The “gentle push through”
8:45 am, sitting down to write this piece
Automatic brain: We’re writing today? Again? Didn’t we just write yesterday? UGH! This feels like WORK.
Me: I know, come on. Let’s just get started and see how we feel.
Automatic brain: Okay fine.
Notice that I wasn’t trying to get my automatic brain all the way to a totally different emotion. I wasn’t trying to get the five-year-old to go from tired to energized, or angry to peaceful, or worried to calm, or grumpy to excited. Just getting her to “okay fine” was enough. All I did was briefly pause my brain on the path it was starting to go down, and within a few minutes, it found something else to think about anyway.
All of these worked for the moments I was in. I can tell by looking at how I felt and what I did — I didn’t sink into grumpiness and anger over my situation, and I kept doing what I was doing without having to force myself to do it. Mind management, success.
And what would my alternative have been? If I let my automatic brain run around unchecked, one of two things would have happened. Either it would have gotten distracted on its own and picked something else to think about. Or (and more likely), all the unnecessary muck from these random thoughts would have followed me around all day. By noon, I would have been tired, angry, worried, grumpy, sick of myself, sick of everything, and ready for a grilled cheese and some TV.
If you’re ending every day emotionally exhausted — if you’re finding that the glass of wine or bowl of pasta at 8 pm isn’t so much a fun treat as it is a desperate escape from the day — take a look at what the five-year-old in your brain is saying all day.
Because being physically tired from a day of running around, or mentally tired from a day of focus and hard work — that actually feels kind of good. But being emotionally tired? Feeling like you barely made it through the day and are dreading what tomorrow brings? That’s not fun. And luckily, it’s totally optional.