The cognitive illusion that causes worry and self-criticism
Here’s the quiet, persistent worry that’s always in the back of my mind:
“You’re doing it wrong.”
Sometimes it’s playing at full-blast and stressing me out.
Most of the times, it’s playing at a low volume, and I barely notice it unless everything else gets quiet.
Sometimes, it turns off altogether and I can just enjoy the experience of being myself.
But most of the time, it’s there, like a subtle backing track to my life.
You might have one of these quiet, persistent background worries too.
Yours might be “You don’t know what you’re doing.”
Or “You’re not doing enough.”
Or “You’re behind.”
Whatever the specific worry is, the effect is the same.
No matter what you do, it keeps subtly poking at you, like a little bit of wire sticking out in the chair you’re sitting in.
And you can never quite feel fully settled and at ease in your own skin.
Here’s what we often THINK that background worry means.
We think it means that we’re actually doing it wrong, or don’t know what we’re doing, or aren’t doing enough, or are behind.
We think it’s an accurate fire alarm that’s going off in response to a genuine fire in our house.
So then we double down and keep working to try to put out the fire.
OR we think that we’re just crazy — that there’s something wrong with our brains for having this persistent worry despite how much we’ve accomplished.
We think it’s a faulty fire alarm going off in a house with no fire — and what a crappy, broken alarm system we have!
So then we wonder what the heck is wrong with us and feel a bit afraid of ourselves and have a whole new thing to worry about.
Here’s what worry and self-criticism really is.
It’s not an accurate fire alarm.
AND it’s not a crappy, broken, problematic fire alarm.
Worry and self-criticism is really your brain falling prey to a cognitive illusion.
Here’s how the illusion works.
Your brain is trying to achieve a feeling of safety…
…By imagining lots of scenarios where you are UN-safe.
Your brain is trying to achieve a sense of “I’m on top of things”…
…By listing all the ways you’re NOT on top of things.
Your brain is trying to achieve a sense of “I’m doing it right”…
…By listing all the ways you’re doing it wrong.
Your brain is trying to achieve a sense of “I know what I’m doing”…
…By listing all the ways you DON’T know what you’re doing.
Your brain is trying to believe “I’m good enough”…
…By looking for all the ways you’re NOT good enough.
This cognitive illusion is deceptive.
It FEELS like imagining and planning for all the un-safe things that could happen should make you feel more safe.
It FEELS like listing all the ways you’re NOT on top of things should help you get more on top of things.
It FEELS like keeping a constant, vigilant eye out for what you’re doing wrong should help you do things right.
But ultimately, it IS an illusion – a mirage that you keep walking towards, but it never arrives.
It’s like scratching an itch in order to make it less itchy — it only makes the itch MORE itchy, and eventually you start to bleed.
It’s like smoking a cigarette to quell your nicotine cravings — it only makes you more dependent on nicotine, and eventually your lungs give out.
Constantly thinking of what could go wrong FEELS like it should help you do things right (and feel the relief associated with that)…
But in reality, it only builds your brain’s habit of constantly thinking of what could go wrong (and keeps you trapped in stress and anxiety).
Constantly thinking about everything you haven’t done FEELS like it should help you get more on top of things (and feel the sense of control associated with that)…
But in reality it only builds your brain’s habit of constantly thinking about everything you haven’t done (and keeps you trapped in feeling messy and out of control).
This way of thinking is a cognitive illusion that just keeps you trapped in the spiral.
Just like how itching keeps you trapped in itching and smoking keeps you trapped in smoking.
So this is what I want you to tell your brain.
I want you to say…
“Hey, brain. I am 100% on board with your end goal.
I WANT us to do things right.
I WANT us to be on top of things.
I WANT us to feel safe and like we belong and like we’re good enough.
And…do you see that the path you’re suggesting isn’t actually getting us there?”
Because you would never tell someone who was feeling awkward at a party…
“Hey, think about all the ways that you don’t fit in here. That will make you feel like you fit in.”
You would never tell someone who was nervous about zip-lining…
“Hey, think about all the ways you could fall off the zip line. That will make you feel secure.”
But this is the trap that our brains regularly fall for.
Your brain is reaching for a 100% worthy goal…
…And it just happens to be falling for a deceptive but ineffective pathway for achieving it.
There is no safety in thinking of all the ways you’re unsafe.
You won’t find rightness by constantly looking for what you’re doing wrong.
You won’t get to “enough” by thinking of everything that’s “not enough.”
So what the heck should you think about instead?
Especially when you DON’T want to get complacent, or lazy, or stop improving?
And you still still to do more, and get better at things, and achieve big things in this world?
That’s exactly what I help you figure out.
I have a ton of thought suggestions you can grab and run with.
But more importantly, I help you come to your own answer to that question.
So come talk to me, and let’s talk all about it :)
What my clients have to say…
“I realized that you can always create a space of abundance, even when there’s scarcity.
This process has allowed me to go so deep into myself and realize: Just be more yourself. You don’t have to change.
And that abundance helps me to make better, less fear-based decisions.”
—Client | CEO, PE-backed company
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