The question I ask my clients when they’re totally stuck
Sometimes, we’ll be partway through working through a problem, and my clients will get totally, inexplicably stuck.
They’ll know exactly what they’re thinking that’s causing the problem…
They’ll know exactly what they want to think and feel and do instead, and it logically makes sense to them…
But when it comes time to apply that new thought in the moment and DO something different, they just can’t.
This could look like…
“I know that it’s mostly my own inner critic that’s stressing me out at work, and that if I celebrated my wins and built up my confidence, I could do better work…
…but when I sit down and try to do that, my brain pushes back and refuses to do it.”
Or: “I know it’s not really my job to know all the answers all the time…
…but I still get so panicky when someone asks me a question I don’t know the answer to, even if it’s totally unreasonable to expect me to know it.”
Or: “I know I need to just experiment and try a bunch of things to figure out how to do this…
…but I can’t seem to get myself to take that first step.”
Or: “I know that I need to speak up and say what I really need in this situation…
…but when the time comes, I keep staying quiet and going with the flow.”
When this happens, this is NOT your brain being crazy or stupid or inconvenient or self-sabotaging.
All your brain is ever trying to do is keep you safe…
Per the logic that your brain has automatically constructed (probably a long time ago) about what’s safe and what’s dangerous.
So this is the question I ask my clients when they get stuck like this—
What is the old thought protecting?
The reason that your brain is SO hooked to self-criticizing, or trying to know everything, or NOT experimenting, or NOT speaking up for yourself…
…is because your brain believes this is the most effective way to achieve some goal that’s very important to it.
So what is that goal?
It could be something like…
“I have to keep questioning and doubting myself because that’s what keeps me sharp. If I stop, I’ll get complacent and start making mistakes.”
“I have to try to know everything because that’s how I stay relevant. If I don’t know the answers, I’ll stop being valuable to people.”
“I can’t experiment and just start trying things because what if I do it wrong or make a mistake? If I make a mistake, everyone will think I’m stupid.”
“I can’t speak up for what I want because disagreement means disconnection. If I don’t agree with what others want, I’ll hurt my relationship with them.”
And guess what? Those are all great goals!
Once you uncover the goal that your current thoughts are protecting…
…I want you to say to your brain: “Hell yes! I agree with you. We ARE going to achieve that goal, I promise.”
We ARE going to stay sharp and NOT get complacent or sloppy.
We ARE going to stay relevant and valuable to people.
We ARE going to make sure we don’t look stupid.
We ARE going to keep this relationship strong.
And then I want you to tell your brain: “I know you think you’ve found the best possible pathway to achieving that goal. But guess what? There might be an even BETTER pathway.”
And then I want you to ask your brain The Opposite Question.
“How can celebrating myself and building up my confidence…cause me to be even sharper and more on top of things?”
“How could I be relevant and valuable to people…even when I don’t know everything?”
“How could experimenting, getting messy, and making mistakes…make me look better in front of my peers, not worse?”
“How could me being honest about what I need and want…improve and strengthen the relationship?”
Don’t just answer this question in theory.
Answer it with specific examples.
Find 3-5 specific times, in your own life or in what you’ve observed in others…
That you were confident and self-assured and self-trusting…and that made you do better work
That you didn’t know all the answers…but you were still relevant and added value to those around you
That you got messy and made mistakes…and that made people look at you with admiration, not derision
That you were brave and honest about what you needed…and that led to a better relationship with someone else
Concrete examples are the best way to SHOW (not tell) your brain that there is an alternate, even better pathway to that incredibly important, high-priority goal.
This is one of the things I love most about my style of coaching.
We start with the assumption your wants are GOOD and that every part of you makes sense.
We start with the assumption that nothing is wrong with you.
You don’t have stupid wants.
You don’t have an irrational brain.
You are not sabotaging yourself.
Your wants are 100% valid, understandable, and correct.
And all that’s happened is that some part of you has developed some logic about the best way to get what you want…
Logic that DID serve you well for some period of time…
But that logic is now starting to get in the way of what you want instead of getting you closer to it.
Questioning and doubting yourself DID keep you sharp…until it started to trip you up and paralyze you.
Knowing everything DID keep you relevant…until there was too much to know and it created impossible pressure on you.
We don’t have to fix or correct anything about you.
We just have to show your brain the evidence that there’s an even better pathway to get what you want.
And then to do small, regular reps so it can get accustomed to this new way of doing things.
Until the old logic is fully overwritten and you can go on your merry way, having expanded the ways you can get what you want with MORE effective, LESS painful pathways.
Knowing what you want…
Knowing what would get you there…
But not being able to get yourself to DO it is a major recipe for feeling super stuck.
I don’t want you to spend any more time feeling stuck.
You are not alone. You are not the first or only person to ever go through this.
What you’re going through is incredibly common, and there are repeatable tools, processes, and frameworks that can reliably get you un-stuck and back on track starting today.
Don’t just take my word for it. Here’s what one of my clients had to say:
“I realized that I wasn’t alone in a lot of my situations. In fact, what I was going through was very common.
And that there were tools that I could use to get out of this, and that I wasn’t the first person in the world to go through and I’m not going to be the last.
And that Pooja has seen this before and that she is very well equipped and familiar with how to troubleshoot these things. That helped so much.”
—Ashley | VP at Major Financial Institution
So let’s get started today :)
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