What happens in a coaching session?

Oct 27, 2021

Last week, we talked about what happens in a coaching consult. I listen and ask questions. I design a custom solution for you, and we talk about it. I tell you about my pricing and structure. And I help you however I can to make your decision.

So let’s say you sign up and you’re ready to get started. What actually happens in a coaching session?

Here’s one of my favorite ways to run a session.

Part 1: The brain dump

This is where every coaching session starts: with a total brain dump where nothing is organized, everything is tangled up, and it’s totally unclear what’s causing what.

Let’s look at an example:

I set a goal that I would lose 10 pounds in 4 months, from July to October. Well, there are three days left in October and I’ve only lost 5 pounds. Ugh!! This is impossible. I’m so frustrated that I don’t even want to set a new goal for the rest of the year. I guess I’m just destined to be fat.

Part 2: Pull ONE thread out of the tangle. Pick ONE thought and trace out its impact.

The best way to make sense of the brain dump is to put it into the model and figure out what is causing what.

What are the facts?

Circumstance: Set goal to lose 10 pounds from July to October. Have lost 5 pounds. It is October 27.

What do you think about those facts?

Thought: Losing weight is impossible.

How do you feel when you think that?

Feeling: Frustrated

What do you do and not do when you feel frustrated?

Actions:
Not set a goal for the rest of the year.
Decide that I’m destined to be fat.

What’s the effect of your actions on you?

Result: You make losing weight impossible for yourself

Part 3: Show you your brain, and how it’s creating your reality

Now anyone can mechanically fill out a model and intellectually understand “oh yeah, my thoughts are creating my results.”

But intellectual understanding isn’t enough here. This next part is about viscerally showing the client that the only source of their problem is their perspective.

That might look like:

The only facts here are some numbers on a scale and on a calendar. That’s it.
Your goal weight, your actual weight, and the date on the calendar are not causing anything.
Those numbers are not making you feel frustrated. They’re not making you avoid setting a goal. They’re not deciding your destiny. And they’re not making weight loss impossible for you.
The thing that is causing your frustration, your avoidance, and all this “impossible-ness” is this thought: Weight loss is impossible.
You think you’re just observing that weight loss is impossible for you. But you are actually creating the impossible-ness.
And let me tell you why you have to take your brain with a grain of salt here.
Girl, you actually lost weight!! You just told me you lost five pounds!
But your brain is so fixed on its story that it’s literally taking the fact that you lost weight and using it as evidence for the belief that weight loss is impossible for you.
It’s taking directly contradictory evidence and twisting it around to support its story. Like, brain. Come on.

Part 4: Explore your network of beliefs and assumptions

Now the first thing that most brains want to do, upon hearing something like this, is put up a hell of a fight.

Most clients, after hearing this analysis, will immediately fire back with, “No, you don’t understand! Weight loss IS impossible for me! Here are all the reasons why!”

And this is awesome.

Because your brain’s current belief didn’t come out of nowhere.

This thought, in this moment, is like the final output of a Rube Goldberg machine (like this one below).

This thought is the final result of a whole network of logic, assumptions, and beliefs.

So when your brain puts up a fight, and starts defending its belief, what it’s really doing is revealing all its assumptions.

And this is exactly what we want. Because most of the time, your brain just gives you its final answer and that’s it!

So this time, we’re slowing it down, making it show its work, and examining all the underlying beliefs that created this thought in the first place.

Here’s what that might look like:

No, losing weight IS impossible for me! First of all, it’s taking way too long. I need to lose a certain amount every week, otherwise it’s not enough.
Also, it’s just so hard! I feel like I have to cut out all the fun in my life just to lose weight. Like sometimes I just want to relax and unwind with some nachos and wine! Why does it have to be so difficult?

Look at all these interesting assumptions!

I have to lose a certain amount every week
Losing weight means cutting out the fun
Nachos and wine help me relax (and not having them = no relaxation)

Is any of this true? What's the counter argument? Are these assumptions we want to keep?

You could have a great session discussing just one of these.

Part 5: Next steps and homework

You can have the best coach in the world, but most of the work happens between sessions. Feeling inspired for an hour a week is not enough.

So to wrap up, we’ll talk about how you’re going to take this forward into your week. I might give you some exercises and homework to do.

Or, even better, I might tell you to design your own homework and let me know what you’re going to do with everything we talked about :)

Less Stress, More Flow with Pooja V.

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