What if there is absolutely nothing you should be doing differently?

Apr 09, 2025

I was listening to an episode Esther Perel’s podcast Where Should We Begin? and she was giving advice to a woman who had been ghosted by someone she’d gone on several dates with.

The woman said—

“I’m trying not to blame myself for what happened.
But it’s hard to know what to do differently next time.”

And Esther responded with a really interesting insight. She said—

“If you feel bad about yourself, it gives you a weird sense of agency – that there’s something that you can do differently.
But I’m not sure that there is much you necessarily want to do differently.”

If there’s one thing high-stress high achievers have in common, it’s that they take radical ownership of their results.

It’s funny because a lot of coaching is aimed at people who DON’T take radical ownership of their results.

A lot of coaching is aimed at people who are in the habit of blaming other people and outside circumstances when things don’t work out.

But that’s not usually my clients’ problem.

My clients are often on the other end of the spectrum, where they’re saying things like:

Yes, the corporate priorities shifted and made my initiative irrelevant.
But what could I have done to prevent that?
How could I have seen it coming and done something to prepare?

Or…

Yes, we had an emergency situation pop up in the middle of the workday, and I had to spend all day putting out that fire.
But how could I have gotten all my other work done anyway?
Why am I not efficient enough to manage this?

Or…

Yes, that person ghosted me out of nowhere.
But what did I say that caused it?
How could I have seen it coming and not gone out with them in the first place?

And if this is you too, there are two things I want to tell you.

First, I LOVE that you take radical ownership.

I don’t think it’s a weakness.

I think it’s one of the most admirable things about you.

I think this makes you really freaking cool :)

And second, I get why your brain clings to radical ownership even when it feels bad.

Because taking ownership gives you a sense of control.

Because as bad as it feels to blame yourself, it also gives you a weird sense of agency —that there’s something that you can do differently.

But the cost of that sense of agency is that you always feel like you’re doing something wrong.