What To Do When You Just Don't Know
Today we're going to talk about what to do when you just don't know the answer to a question.
I'm going to ask you two questions, and I want you to notice your reaction to each of them.
Question 1: What is the capital of Latvia?
Question 2: What do you want to do with your life?
You probably had a very different reaction to those two questions.
Let's break down exactly what just happened, using the self-coaching model:
Circumstance: the boring, objective facts in the world
Thought: what you think about your circumstance
Feeling: the emotion that arises when you think that thought
Actions: what you do and don’t do when you feel that way
Result: the effect of your actions on you
When I asked you, “What's the capital of Latvia?”, chances are, the answer did not immediately come to mind.
And that's actually a circumstance. You asked your brain a question, and your automatic brain provided a reflex response. It instantly said: “We searched our brain, and the answer is not in here.”
And when you noticed the fact that you don't know the answer, your thought about that was probably something like, “I can figure it out.”
When you think that, you might feel matter-of-fact.
When you feel that way, you Google or ask someone or take a guess.
And the result of those actions is that you figure it out.
The fact that you didn't know the answer was not a problem because your REACTION to not knowing created a set of feelings and actions that led to you figuring out the answer.
Now let's go to the second question: What do you want to do with your life?
The circumstance here is probably the same: a single, clear answer does not immediately pop into your brain.
But your REACTION to that automatic reflex is probably very different. You might have thoughts like, “I should know the answer,” or “I can't possibly figure it out.”
And when you think that, you might feel anxious or afraid.
And when you're feeling anxious, you avoid the question altogether or try to figure it out in a frantic and unfocused way that's not very effective.
And so the result that you create for yourself is that you don't figure it out.
What I want you guys to realize is that the fact that you don't immediately know the answer to a question is not a problem.
That's just an automatic brain reflex that happens instantaneously.
You just realize, “Hey, a single clear answer did not pop into my brain.” That’s it.
Now, you can make that into a problem based on how you react to it.
Because if your reaction is, “Oh, crap, I should know. I can't figure it out. Something is wrong with me,” you will feel anxious and you'll take a bunch of actions that will prevent you from simply and easily just figuring it out.
You know what the circumstance is: you don't currently know the answer.
And you know what your target actions are: try a bunch of stuff, talk to some people, figure it out.
The question for you is: What do you need to think and feel about the fact that you don't currently know the answer, in order to drive the action of just figuring it out?
That's the ONLY thing that you need to answer in order to figure out all those questions that are bothering you.
What do I do with my life?
How do I have this difficult conversation?
What do I talk about in the meeting?
Should I marry this person?
Should I quit my job?
All those questions that stress you out — the fact that you don't know the answer is not the problem.
The only problem is your own reaction to not knowing, which is currently blocking you from just simply and easily figuring it out the same way you figured out hundreds of other things in the whole rest of your life.
(You have so many reference points from other moments where you have figured things out! Use them!)
Feeling stuck in uncertainty and indecision is a massive driver of life unhappiness. People can spend years spinning in circles because they don’t know how to react productively to not knowing.
Once you clear the mental roadblocks and just get started figuring it out, you will be shocked how quickly these big, looming questions can be resolved.
And the answer is not to power through or beat yourself up.
It’s to…
Calmly and objectively uncover the thoughts that are holding you back
Change them to a more effective perspective that fully “clicks”
Apply that change consistently in the moments when you need it
Stay patient with yourself when the old thinking inevitably creeps back in
So if you want to resolve those looming questions once and for all, and give yourself the gift of clarity, confidence, and decisiveness…
Then come talk to me and let’s get started.
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