Why it’s so hard to feel good about yourself – and what you can do about it
I’m someone that is very uncomfortable with positive feedback.
Trust me, I hate negative feedback too. I crave positive feedback and validation like nothing else.
But when I actually get it, it makes me very, very nervous and uncomfortable.
WHY? Isn’t this what I’ve been working toward all this time? Am I doomed to just be uncomfortable all the time??
This quote by Ally Wise helped me finally understand what was going on:
The nervous system cannot discriminate between what’s uncomfortable or what’s pleasant. It doesn’t have this capacity.
The nervous system “discriminates” based on three core elements: intensity, familiarity, and safety.
Discomfort and pleasantness can both trigger the nervous system. Discomfort because it’s intense and pleasantness because it’s unfamiliar.
Receiving positive feedback is uncomfortable for me (and for many people) NOT because we’re weirdos or something is wrong with us…
…but because it’s intense, unfamiliar, and feels unsafe.
I spend most of my time in “the B+ zone.” I think things are generally going well. I have my eye firmly fixed on what needs to improve or what needs to be done next. And I’m going — always on the move to do the next thing that needs to be done.
The B+ zone is very familiar, very moderate and non-intense, and it feels very safe. This is the equilibrium I generally come back to.
The A+ zone, when I get very positive feedback from people, feels intense, unfamiliar, and unsafe.
It’s as intense as having a piece of chocolate cake after having no sugar for a year.
As unfamiliar as walking into a billionaire’s $500M mansion — it’s beautiful, but you’re like “I don’t belong here.”
And my brain is instantly convinced that the other shoe is going to drop any second now.
“Pride goeth before the fall” — the second you let your guard down and feel good about yourself is the second you trip up and lose everything. (Or so says my brain — and hence why it feels so unsafe to feel good about myself.)
Nothing is wrong with me.
It’s just that this is an experience my nervous system is not used to having. That’s it.
So what can you do about this? It’s simple.
Practice feeling good about yourself. Slowly acclimate your system to these feeling these feelings.
Do it in small doses — so it’s not too intense.
Do it regularly — so it becomes more and more familiar.
And notice how nothing bad happens afterward — SHOW (don’t tell) your brain through concrete, lived experience that it’s safe to feel good about yourself.
Build this into your routine.
The simplest way to do this? My favorite habit — the 60 second celebrate.
Every time you finish a task or wrap up a meeting:
Set a timer for 60 seconds
Celebrate yourself in writing until the timer goes off
That’s it.
You can’t just think it — you have to write it or type it out.
Get specific. Really notice the impact you’re having and everything you’re doing WELL. Bask in what you’re doing right. Make yourself smile. Just for 60 seconds.
I used to live in “the C+ zone” — constantly criticizing myself, always feeling behind, and always, always stressed.
Spending a few weeks doing a 60 second celebrate after every task is how I moved my mental baseline from the C+ zone to the B+ zone.
I’ve actually fallen out of this habit as of late, and I’m going to get back into it starting today. Because I think life can be even better than the B+ zone.
The more I practice this habit, the less likely I am to fall into self-critical spirals, and the more quickly I get out of them when I do.
And when I’m less self-critical…
I do more work (great).
I do BETTER work (even better).
I FEEL better — more aligned, more in flow, more purposeful, and with enough courage and capacity to live the life I actually want (EVEN better).
And my cup is so full that I can finally stop thinking about me, me, me all the time and instead look outwards and give to others (the BEST).
So many people want to be more disciplined about getting more stuff done.
If you want to get more stuff done, get better stuff done, feel purposeful and fulfilled, and make an impact on the world…
The FIRST thing to do is to be disciplined about feeling good about yourself.
Not by doing a dramatic mental overhaul of your whole psyche and solving every skeleton in your closet.
But just by implementing one small habit. Do a 60 second celebrate after every task.
That’s it.
This is the “couch to 5k” of feeling better about yourself.
You don’t have to go from sedentary to running 10 miles a day — you’ll probably shock your system if you try.
You just have to jog for 2 minutes and then walk for 5 minutes. And that’s plenty for today.
Make it small (seemingly TOO small). Make it doable (seemingly TOO doable).
Your brain will complain either way. I want the complaint to be “It’s too small to make a difference,” NOT “It’s too big, I’m overwhelmed.”
When you hear the “It’s too small” complaint from your brain — that’s how you know you’re on the right track.
When it’s small and doable, it’s easy to be consistent.
When you’re consistent, the impact compounds and the effect is exponential, not linear.
And the thing we’re having an exponential impact ON?
It’s the ONE thing that affects everything else in your life. The absolute beating heart of everything, where making even a 1 degree shift has massive ripple effects on your entire life. It’s your relationship with yourself.
And you can make an exponential shift in your relationship with yourself…
…through one small, easy habit that has a compounding effect.
It doesn’t even take that much effort.
Get started today.
If you really want to do this, but your brain is being grumpy and giving you resistance, come talk to me.
Let’s address your brain’s objections once and for all in a free public coaching call and get you on track with this habit starting today.
And if you want not just one habit, but my whole arsenal of tools for developing a better relationship with yourself…
And more importantly, if you want to set aside dedicated weekly time and have an expert thought partner to help you put together YOUR personal, customized toolkit for reliably getting out of self-critical spirals and making your relationship with yourself the best relationship of your life…
Come talk to me, and let’s get started.
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