Why self-criticism is so seductive
And how to break its spell 🪄
Here’s the interesting thing about people who have a self-criticism habit (myself included).
They don’t ENJOY criticizing themselves.
They don’t ENJOY worrying that people will think they’re stupid.
They don’t ENJOY feeling like they’re doing something wrong.
They don’t ENJOY coming home from a party and remembering all the things they said and wondering if they talked too much.
And yet, they find it hard to stop criticizing themselves.
If you tell them, “Hey, you’re doing great! Things are going well! Just relax!”
Their brain says, “NO! We canNOT relax! We must stay vigilant and alert at all times!”
Because as unpleasant as criticizing yourself is…
The danger of relaxing and then screwing something up seems MUCH worse.
That’s what makes self-criticism so seductive to your brain.
It feels like a SMALL pain that’s saving you from a much LARGER pain.
The tradeoff seems 100% worth it.
Like getting a vaccine to prevent a disease, or putting on sunscreen to prevent skin cancer.
Yeah, it’s kind of annoying. But the alternative is much worse!!!
So of course your brain doesn’t want to stop!
But here’s where your brain is wrong about this.
Your brain thinks that its two options are:
But here’s what your brain is missing when it constructs this binary.
A habit of self-criticism is really a habit of self-FOCUS.
Self-criticism rests on the assumptions of—
*I* need to feel good about myself
*I* need to do a good job.
*I* need to get it right.
When your brain goes into a self-critical spiral…
It’s also making it all about YOU — YOUR needs, YOUR safety, YOUR sufficiency, YOUR good-enough-ness.
Now of course, I’m not saying you should never think about yourself and your needs.
But self-criticism is usually an OVERDOSE of self-focus.
And my guess is that you LIKE not thinking about yourself.
That it often feels like a RELIEF to stop focusing so narrowly on you, you, you, you, you and think about something else for a while.
When you self-criticize and focus solely on yourself…
It takes you OUT of thinking about the people that you’re trying to serve.
And it takes you OUT of being nerdy about the problem you’re trying to solve.
Self-focus takes you out of SERVICE and out of NERDINESS.
And my guess is that you like being in service and being a nerd more than you like thinking about yourself :)
So your two options are NOT “Criticize myself and stay vigilant” or “Relax and screw something up.”
Your two options are really…
And your choice is NOT between the small pain of self-criticism or the large pain of screwing something up.
Your choice is REALLY between the pain of self-focus or the FUN of being in service and being a nerd.
And that’s a way easier choice :)
Come talk to me and tell me how this lands in your brain.
Ask me your follow-up questions.
Tell me your brain’s pushback.
Give me your “yes, but…”
Me giving you a new idea is just the beginning.
The real work is in the back-and-forth with your brain.
Wrangling with the idea.
Turning it around in your head.
Twisting it, shaping it, questioning it, poking it.
Playing with the idea until it resonates for YOU.
And once the idea resonates…
THAT’S what makes you feel different.
THAT’S what makes you act differently.
THAT’S what changes your life.
So come talk to me, and let’s start that back and forth :)
What my clients have to say…
“I love our laughs. I love that it can be so efficient and professional, and yet I also feel like these sessions are pretty fun, and I really enjoy that.”
—Client | Startup Founder & Co-CEO
“It’s honestly fun. You’re working on the most important thing in your life — your goals and your aspirations.
And you’re doing it in a manner that is not harsh or strict. In fact, it’s quite fun.
It’s like a video game, and you get to gently make progress towards the things that matter.”
—Client | Solutions Engineer at Fintech Company
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