Why Your Thoughts Feel So True (But I Promise You They’re Not)
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Let me tell you about the number one stumbling block that clients (and humans) run into when they’re trying to feel better, do better things, or get better results.
They tell me: “Listen, I get it. Thoughts aren’t facts and my circumstances aren’t the problem, and all that other stuff you keep saying. But not this time. This time it’s non-negotiable. My thought about this situation is true.”
Thoughts are not true. Thoughts are interpretations of facts, and there are a million ways to interpret anything. And yet, thoughts feel so true. Why?
Let’s do a couple exercises.
Exercise 1
Please look at the photo below and tell me how this character is feeling. Do not proceed until you have an answer.
Okay. Got your answer?
Now please tell me:
When did you decide to assess how he’s feeling?
How did you assess how he’s feeling?
Are you sure that your assessment is correct?
Most likely, your answers to the questions above are:
I didn’t decide to assess it
I didn’t like…“assess it.” I just knew.
Yes I’m sure.
Okay, onto the next.
Exercise 2
What is the answer to this multiplication problem? Do not proceed until you have an answer.
728 x 43 = ?
Okay. Got your answer?
Now please tell me:
When did you decide to assess the multiplication problem?
How did you assess the multiplication problem?
Are you sure that your assessment is correct?
This time, your answers probably look pretty different. They probably sound like:
I decided to do the problem a minute or two ago.
I wrote down the problem. Then I multiplied each pair of numbers in a certain sequence and wrote each answer in a specific spot on the paper, until I had two rows of numbers. Then I added up the numbers in the two rows.
I mean… I’m pretty sure. But if you pushed me on it, I’d probably recalculate.
Now here’s the really interesting thing about these two exercises.
In both exercises, your brain made an interpretation. And arguably, assessing how someone is feeling is a more complex and sophisticated interpretation than doing a multiplication problem. It is much, much easier to program a computer to answer “What is 728 x 43?” than to answer “How is this character feeling?”
And yet your experience of making an interpretation was very different between the two exercises.
The interpretation in Exercise 1 happened in your automatic brain. It made the assessment very rapidly and delivered its answer to your deliberate brain. Your deliberate brain signed off on the interpretation, and you had your answer.
You made your interpretation without conscious intention, without conscious effort, and with complete confidence.
And when you make an interpretation in this way — even an incredibly sophisticated one like deciding what someone else is feeling — your experience of making that interpretation is: I didn’t make an interpretation. I’m just reporting a fact.
Now something very different happened in Exercise 2. Your automatic brain can assess facial expressions, but (if you’re like most people), it can’t automatically do three-digit multiplication.
Your automatic brain did not provide you brain with an instant answer that you could just approve and move on. So if you wanted an answer, you had to engage in deliberate problem-solving.
You made your interpretation with conscious intention, with conscious effort, and with the ability to doubt your answer.
That multiplication problem only has one answer, and it’s always going to be the same. The answer to that question is a fact.
And yet your experience of answering the question was “I’m making a deliberate assessment — I’m not just reporting a fact.”
Now let’s do an exercise that’s going to make these two processes clash with each other.
Exercise 3
I’m going to give you a simple logic puzzle. Beware though — an easy, intuitive answer is going to pop into your head, and that answer is going to be wrong. People’s ability to answer this question correctly correlates highly with their general intelligence and ability to achieve their goals. Do not proceed until you have an answer.
A bat and a ball cost $1.10.
The bat costs $1 more than the ball.
How much does the ball cost?
Do you have your answer?
Now here’s what probably just happened in your brain:
As you read the setup, you increased your vigilance about automatic interpretations. You became aware of the fact that an intuitive answer would pop into your head. But you also became aware that it could be wrong. And you probably became determined to answer the question correctly because I told you it would mean something about how smart you are and how successful you’ll be.
As you read the question, your automatic brain provided an instant interpretation anyway. It told you, “The bat costs $1 and the ball costs 10¢.” You can’t turn this off.
You put that interpretation in the holding tank and asked some more questions. “Wait, if it’s $1 and 10¢ then the bat costs 90¢ more than the ball. So that can’t be right. Let’s keep thinking… What if it was $1.05 and 5¢? Yeah, that adds up to $1.10 and there’s a $1 difference.”
You chose an interpretation. You had one answer that you calculated. You had another answer in your holding tank. You picked one as the answer that you would give to the question.
These exercises reveal that your interpretations of the world are happening in a four step process:
In Exercise 1, you ran through these steps. You saw the picture and you:
Automatically assessed it
Became aware of your assessment
Accepted your assessment
Told me what it was
In Exercise 2, your automatic brain had no answer.
Your automatic brain said “No idea”
You became aware of “no idea”
You decided “no idea” isn’t an answer and you still wanted to know the real answer
You solved the problem deliberately and told me the answer
Exercise 3 forced you to use your holding tank.
Your automatic brain made an interpretation
You became aware of your intuitive answer: “the bat costs $1”
But you paused — you asked yourself, is that true though? You did some more thinking in the holding tank, and you decided which interpretation you wanted to go with
Then told me your answer
Alright, lovely psychology lesson, but what does this have to do with your real life?
Let’s imagine a more real-world scenario:
You get an email from your boss that says “We should talk tomorrow.”
What should you think, feel, and do about this?
It is very hard to program a computer to answer that question. Unlike three-digit multiplication and logic puzzles, there is no single answer here.
And yet, your automatic brain probably provided you with an instant answer — without intention, without effort, and with complete confidence. And if you’re like most people, you will hear your own automatic answer, you will decide that obviously it’s true, and you will start problem-solving as if your interpretation is a fact.
If your interpretation was “uh oh, I did something wrong,” you might start mentally reviewing a list of possible disasters. You might even pick a couple scenarios and start planning what to do, or review other emails to figure out what happened. You start living the experience of something going wrong.
If your interpretation was “they want to tell me what a great job I’m doing,” you might start making a list of all the things that are going well, and how much you’ve been contributing. You might start congratulating yourself in advance and imagining all the great things they’re going to say. You start living the experience of doing a great job.
Neither interpretation is right or wrong. There is no right answer here. But the interpretation you choose creates your entire experience. The email didn’t do anything. Your brain did it all.
Being aware of your own thoughts — seeing them from the outside rather than believing them and running with them — is not some zen, mystical process that you can only do while you’re sitting cross-legged with a meditation app on.
It is a normal deliberate-brain operation that you can do anytime you want. You experienced it yourself in Exercise 3 — if you decide that you want to do it, putting an interpretation in the holding tank is not really that hard.
Your automatic brain is going to give you snap interpretations all day long, about everything it sees. You literally can’t turn it off — and thank god for that! It’s what makes us so efficient and effective. Can you imagine if every mental judgment was as hard as doing that multiplication problem?
But at the same time, you are not at the whim of your own automatic interpretations. They’re going to show up in your brain feeling like facts. But they are not facts. They are always thoughts. And you always get to decide which interpretations to keep, change, or throw away. Which means you always get to decide what experience you’re going to have.