7 ways to maintain your identity through failure & setbacks (part 2)
A few weeks ago, in the intro to this series, I told you:
G.K. Chesterton wrote:
How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win.
And I would make a slight adjustment to that quote:
How you think about yourself when you lose determines how long it will be until you win.
It’s easy to believe that you are who you want to be — smart, strong, capable, on top of things, well-qualified, good at this, a rockstar — when things are going well.
The real challenge (and the real key to success) is whether you can believe those things about yourself EVEN when things are going badly.
Your brain will want to turn a change of circumstance turn into a change of identity…
It will tell you: “You’re not good at this. Look at this failure that just happened. That’s the proof. You don’t have it.”
And once you start believing that you’re dumb, behind, a mess, unqualified, bad at this, just average…
You’ll shrink back from the problem-solving. You’ll hang out in wallow-land. And you’ll give up before you’ve even begun.
And that identity will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In Part 1, we talked about Way #1 to maintain your identity through failure & setbacks: You have unlocked a next-level problem.
Here’s Way #2—
Way #2: You’re standing exactly where your heroes stood.
The Office, now one of the most popular and re-watched shows of all time, was nearly canceled multiple times during its first season.
Conan O’Brien, who spent nearly 30 years doing a late night talk show, was constantly on the verge of being fired for the first few years of his show. (The network put him on a series of 13-week contracts for over a year and even hired his replacement.)
Melanie Perkins, founder of unicorn startup Canva which now has 100 million users, got rejected over 100 times when trying to secure VC funding.
In the time before writing her third album, Speak Now, Taylor Swift battled intense self-doubt. In the prologue to Speak Now (Taylor’s Version), she wrote:
“In my darker moments, I was tormented by the doubt that swirled loudly around my ascent and my merits as an artist. I was trying to create a follow up to the most awarded country album in history, while staring directly into the face of intense criticism. I had been widely and publicly slammed for my singing voice and was first encountering the infuriating question that is unfortunately still lobbed at me to this day: does she really write her songs?
Spoiler alert: I really, really do.In the years since, I’ve developed a thicker skin about public criticism and the cynicism with which some people approach the music I make. At the time, it leveled me. I had these voices in my head telling me that I had the perfect chance and I blew it. I hadn’t been good enough. I had given it all I had and been found wanting.”
(These are just some of the people I admire. Look into the biographies of your heroes, and I’m sure you’ll find similar stories.)
It’s easy to look at your heroes’ struggles through the lens of hindsight bias.
The Office became a smash hit. Conan was on TV for 28 years. Melanie’s company is worth $26B. Taylor Swift is one of the biggest pop stars in the world.
You know the ending of the story, so your brain minimizes the struggle and doubt and uncertainty they went through and tells you it’s not the same as YOUR struggle.
But when they lived it, it was as real and serious as your struggle is to you.
The Office could have been some show on NBC that never went past season 1 (like so many others).
Conan could have been the answer to an obscure trivia question — “Who was that guy that hosted Late Night for 2 months after David Letterman?”
Melanie could have been another person that “worked on their startup for a year or two” before going back to corporate.
Taylor Swift could have been another flash-in-the-pan pop star.
When they were going through their struggles, they didn’t know the future.
The possibility of flaming out and fading into obscurity was vivid and real.
They doubted themselves. They doubted their abilities. They thought, “God, I don't know if this is going to work out. I don't know if I have it in me.”
And then they picked themselves up and they tried one more time.
So when you hit your stumbling block, big or small.
When something blows up in your face and you feel so damn stupid right now.
I know it feels bad. I know you’re in the hole. And you may not be able to climb out of it right away.
But I can tell you one thing: You are not alone.
All your biggest heroes are right there with you.
You are standing exactly where they stood.
The #1 reason people don’t create the lives they actually want…
…is because they stop trying.
That’s it.
It’s not because they’re not smart enough. Or not lucky enough. Or it actually wasn’t possible for them.
The only thing that stops people is that THEY stop problem-solving.
And WHY do people stop problem-solving?
Because they take failure and setbacks personally.
They let a change of circumstance turn into a change of identity.
They let a failure mean that something is wrong with THEM.
And then they avoid trying because it feels so bad when they miss the mark.
And when they don’t try…they don’t figure it out.
“Just keep trying” is the simplest advice to give, it’s guaranteed to work…AND it’s the hardest to execute.
Because when it’s YOU in the hot seat, everything in you will be screaming “Let’s just quit and go home! We can’t do this!!”
Which is why it can be absolutely essential to have a coach.
A coach can teach you the skill of maintaining your identity through failure and setbacks.
A coach can teach you how to see things as solvable, impersonal Process Problems, not embarrassing, highly personal Me Problems.
A coach can help you come back to a place of calm and authority within your own mind…
…and then do your problem-solving and make your decisions from THAT place, not from the scared, reactive place.
If you can learn the skill of failing without taking it personally…
…you’re good. You can do anything.
It’s not magic. It’s a skill like any other.
You can learn it the same way you learned trigonometry and Spanish and how to write an essay.
So if you want to start learning that skill starting today…
Come talk to me, and let’s get started.
And if you’re in the thick of it right now, and you want a little micro-dose of problem-solving and encouragement, I’m here to help however I can.
Just grab some time and come talk to me :)
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