Choose Your Stories Wisely
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So we’ve talked about how facts are neutral until your brain makes them mean something. And your brain, by the way, rarely lets a fact just sit around not meaning anything. Your brain is a theory-creating machine.
Now what’s the impact of all these theories and interpretations that your brain is making?
Let me give you an example with two principals I worked with at BCG.
The first principal, let’s call her Betty, believed: “You have to give everything to succeed at this job.”
The second principal, let’s call him Adam, believed: “You can work 55 hours a week and succeed at this job.”
Neither of these are facts. A fact would be “I worked 73 hours last week” — that’s provable in court. A blanket statement about the “kind of job” you have is a thought about your job.
So both their brains had created theories about their jobs.
Now, in addition to being a theory-creating machine, your brain is also a theory-confirming machine. So once it has a theory, it will go to work interpreting every fact through the lens of that theory.
Now watch what happens when Betty and Adam interpret their facts through the lens of their theories. Watch how circular and self-confirming their theories become.
The fact: Email arrives in the inbox at 11 pm.
Betty’s interpretation: “You have to give everything to succeed at this job. Well, I’m still awake. And I saw the email. If I want to succeed, I have to respond right away. Wow, there’s so much work to do — you really do have to give everything to this job to succeed.”
Adam’s interpretation: “You can work 55 hours a week and succeed at this job. I’ve already stopped working for the day. Is this something that needs to be dealt with before 9 am tomorrow? Quick skim says it’s not — I’ll look at this when my work day starts tomorrow. That was easy. Guess this job really doesn’t need more than 55 hours a week.”
The fact: Client meeting on calendar for tomorrow
Betty’s interpretation: “You have to give everything to succeed at this job. Have we given everything yet? Can we think of another contingency to plan for? Another slide to add? If we have time left, we have to keep prepping. Wow, there’s so much work to do — you really do have to give everything to this job to succeed.”
Adam’s interpretation: “You can work 55 hours a week and succeed at this job. How much prep does that meeting really need? We have limited time and a lot to do, so what’s the minimum we need to have a good meeting? Great, don’t make a deck, just go with an outline and have a discussion. That was easy. Guess this job really doesn’t need more than 55 hours a week.”
The fact: It’s 8 pm. They have worked for 12 hours today. There are unchecked items on their to do lists.
Betty’s interpretation: “You have to give everything to succeed at this job. It’s only 8 pm. I have another 3–4 hours of awake time, at least. If I don’t keep working, I’m falling behind. Wow, there’s so much work to do — you really do have to give everything to this job to succeed.”
Adam’s interpretation: “You can work 55 hours a week and succeed at this job. I’ve worked about as much as I planned to. Is there anything else that HAS to be done today? Nah, everything on here can be done tomorrow too. Cool, I’m going home. That was easy. Guess this job really doesn’t need more than 55 hours a week.”
Betty believed she had a round-the-clock job. She interpreted every fact through that lens and reacted to her facts as if her theory was true. And Betty created a round-the-clock job for herself.
Adam believed he had a 55-hour-a-week job. He interpreted every fact through that lens and reacted to his facts as if his theory was true. And Adam created a 55-hour-a-week job for himself.
Now if you were to ask Adam and Betty about this, chances are that they would tell you their respective beliefs as if they were facts. They would say “No listen, this is just true. I have mountains of evidence for my theory. This is just the kind of job it is. This is just what’s required for success”
The reality is, they created their theories first. And then their brains went to work confirming that theory dozens of times a day. Their brain convinced them, again and again, that their theory was true. And living according to that theory created their reality.
The idea that your circumstances are neutral and your theories are creating your experiences is a persistently unintuitive concept.
Your automatic brain, is going to react to it exactly like it reacts to an optical illusion:
Your deliberate brain may know that this is an optical illusion. But you cannot make your eyes see this picture differently. Your automatic brain will always tell you “the bottom line is longer than the top line.”
In the exact same way, your automatic brain will always tell you, “This circumstance is NOT neutral. There is only ONE way to interpret what’s going on. And that way is MY way. And everything confirms that MY interpretation is TRUE.”
This mechanism is so powerful that it can even take directly contradictory evidence and twist it to confirm the original theory. For example:
A couple weeks ago, I had a coaching session that I thought went very badly. By the time we were two minutes in, my brain had already decided: “This is a disaster. I’m not telling her anything useful. My client hates this and she hates me.”
At the end of the session, my client said these words to me, verbatim: “Wow, you’re really good at this. That was perfect! Thank you so much!”
Did my automatic brain change its belief? Nope! It immediately interpreted what she said to fit what it already believed. It told me: “She’s just trying to be nice. And the fact that she’s trying so hard to be nice is actually a sign of how much she hates you.”
Your automatic brain is not an objective reporter of the facts. Your automatic brain is a theory-confirming machine.
And when you act like your theories are true, you make them true for yourself. Who was right about their job, Adam or Betty? Turns out, they were both right.
Your automatic brain will tell you, all day long, that it’s just making observations about your life — that it is reporting the truth about how things work.
The reality is that what you believe you are merely observing, you are actually creating.
So if you want to create something different in your life, you have to load a new theory into your brain first.
Your automatic brain is not likely to snap out of a belief on its own. In fact, it’s likely to fight any effort to change what it believes, because it chose its current beliefs in an effort to protect you.
So how do you start believing something new? How does Betty become like Adam, or Adam become like Betty?
There’s a whole series on that right here :)