How cognitive illusions prevent you from building the life you want (part 3)

Aug 15, 2023

If you’re just jumping in to this series, here’s how you can get caught up.

In the intro, I told you how cognitive illusions systematically prevent people from building the lives they want…

By causing them to make decision after decision based on faulty thinking.

And how, once you know what these illusions are, you can combat them with signposts that let you know when you’re in the cognitive illusion zone…

And external structure to help you navigate through the illusion.

In Part 1, we talked through Cognitive Illusion #1: Anchoring to the negative.

In Part 2, we talked through Cognitive Illusion #2: Trying to do it “right.”

Today, we’re going to talk about Cognitive Illusion #3…

Cognitive Illusion #3: Making it personal

When you go on a date with someone, and they don’t want to see you again.

When an initiative you’re leading at work doesn’t go well.

When you notice you’re criticizing yourself again even though you’re trying to be more confident.

In all these situations, your brain can be very tempted to make it personal or make it a Me Problem.

By that I mean:
Your brain identifies YOU as the cause of the problem.
Not something you DID but who you ARE, fundamentally as a person.

“They didn’t want a second date with me because I’m not attractive enough.”

“The initiative failed because I’m bad at my job.”

“I have negative self-talk because I have a chronic self-esteem problem.”

Notice how these are broad, unchangeable blanket statements.

Your brain is very, very good at taking specific facts and turning them into broad, general statements.

According to your brain…

One person rejects you on a date (specific fact) =
I’m not attractive (broad and general)

One initiative at work goes badly (specific fact) =
I’m bad at my job (broad and general)

From 9-11 am, my automatic brain got very self-critical and I couldn’t figure out how to combat it (specific fact) =
I have a chronic self-esteem problem (broad and general)

And because your brain tends to turn specific facts into broad, general statements…

It also tends to turn solvable Process Problems into unsolvable Me Problems.

If you had said: “They didn’t want a second date with me because I showed up to the nice restaurant in dirty sweatpants” — That’s a Process Problem.

It’s related to something you DID (not who you fundamentally ARE as a person).

And therefore, it’s changeable, if you want to change it.

But because your brain turns specific facts into general statements, it JUMPED to the conclusion: “They didn’t want a second date with me because I’m not attractive enough.”

And that is a Me Problem.

It’s related to who you ARE on a fundamental level, to your identity (not something you did).

And therefore, it doesn’t feel changeable. It feels like a horrible, ugly curse that you’re stuck with.

When something is a Me Problem, there are only two possible solutions:

Solution 1: Give up, wallow in what a horrible person you are, and resign yourself to never having what you want.

Solution 2: Believe there’s something fundamentally wrong or flawed or ugly or bad in the core of who you are…

And then do all your so-called self-improvement and self-development work FROM a place of shame and self-rejection.

Both of these solutions will lead you to create the life you don’t want.

Obviously, if you give up, resign yourself to never having what you want, and wallow in what a horrible person you are — you will NOT create the life you want. That one’s easy.

The second scenario is more subtle. You can do LOTS of self-improvement work and make real, tangible gains in your skillsets and your results.

But when you do it all FROM the belief that there’s something fundamentally wrong or flawed or ugly or bad in the core of who you are…

You do all that work, get all those tangible results, and you only feel even more certain that there’s something fundamentally wrong or flawed or ugly or bad in the core of who you are…

The whole pursuit is just one long, desperate escape from yourself.

And when it succeeds (i.e., when you get tangible results from doing it), it just looks like further proof that there IS something rotten at your core and you DO have to keep running from it, faster and faster.

Often, this kind of success is incredibly unsustainable.

Hating, shaming, and rejecting yourself is poor fuel, and it runs out quickly.

And the un-sustainability of this kind of success is a GIFT.

When you suddenly can’t go down this path anymore, externally, it may look like burnout or self-sabotage or a midlife crisis.

But it’s actually a gift from the part of you that WON’T reject yourself any longer.

From the part of you that rises up and says: “ENOUGH. I won’t do this anymore because I refuse to keep hating who I am, and I refuse to keep flogging myself.”

When you go after self-improvement, growth, achievement, and success FROM a self-hating starting point…

The wisdom of your own self-protective system will stop you soon enough.

But I’d rather you not start down that path at all.

So here’s how you combat this cognitive illusion

Signposts to let you know you’re in this cognitive illusion zone

When you’re facing a problem, ask your brain: What do you think is the root cause of this problem?

If your brain’s answer to that question is a broad blanket statement about who you are as a person…

If your brain’s response is something like, “The problem is…

I’m not _____ enough.
- Not attractive enough, disciplined enough, confident enough, experienced enough, productive enough, etc.
I’m bad at _____.
- Bad at sports, time management, dating, managing my finances, etc.
I can’t _______.
- I can’t do math. I can’t decorate a room. I can’t fit in with that group. etc.
I am ______.
- I’m a people pleaser. I’m a perfectionist. I’m lazy. I’m inconsistent. etc.

etc. etc.

If your brain is diagnosing the root cause of the problem you’re facing as a broad blanket statement about who you are as a person…

You have entered the “making it personal” cognitive illusion zone.

Stop following your instincts.

Use external structure to navigate through.

External structure to navigate through

Here’s the secret:

NO problems are You Problems.

ALL problems are Process Problems.

All problems are specific.

All problems occur at specific moments in time, not just “generally.” Nothing happens “generally.”

E.g., You don’t “have a bad relationship with your boss.” That doesn’t just hang in the air like a cloud.

You have specific conversations, emails, and meetings with your boss — which are all specific moments that your brain is generalizing into “a bad relationship.”

All problems are caused by something you’re doing or not doing.

Not by “who you are as a person” — that’s just an abstract concept in your head that doesn’t actually cause anything.

E.g., You don’t have bad meeting with your boss because “you’re bad at your job” (an abstract concept that’s not actually causing anything).

You have bad meetings with them because you’re misaligned on what the team priorities should be.

And you’ve stayed misaligned because every time you’ve tried to advocate for something different, you get flustered, lose confidence, and cave in.

All the things you do and don’t do are changeable.

Some of the things you do and don’t do may be on autopilot, and it may take time and creativity to build a new habit.

You may be very used to doing what you do, and it might feel crazy to do anything different.

You may decide you don’t want to change what you’re doing, or that it’s not worth the effort, which is totally valid.

But all the things you do ARE changeable.

E.g., If you consistently get flustered and lose confidence in front of your boss, you can…

Practice exactly what you’re going to say
Think through the questions they’re likely to ask and be ready with responses
Ask questions and understand where they’re coming from and then tie your suggestions to their goals and priorities

And if all problems are specific, caused by things you do or don’t do, and you can change what you do or don’t do…

All problems are Process Problems.

So here’s what you can do, specifically

When you realize that you’re in the “making it personal” cognitive illusion zone…

Stop and ask yourself: How is this a Process Problem?

In what specific moments is this problem occurring? (It’s not “general.”)
What process is causing this problem? How is it being caused by things you’re DOING (not who you ARE as a person)?
How can you make a plan to DO something different, if you want to?

And if we work together, here’s how we can take it even deeper.

We can dig into WHY you’re doing what you’re currently doing.

We can understand the automatic thoughts and feelings driving you…

And we can see how it’s not “laziness” or “low confidence” or any other character flaw but how it actually makes total sense, per the logical system your automatic brain has built up.

Then, we can deliberately decide how you want to think and feel.

This is work that’s incredibly valuable to do with someone else — especially a trained professional.

It’s very easy to go in circles in your own head.

(I certainly do. That’s why I talk to a coach every single week, non-negotiable.)

And your friends and spouse may not be the best equipped to SHOW you the story your brain is creating (not just believe your story) and hold space for you to figure out your own answer (not just give you advice and try to solve your problem).

A coach can help you SEE your own story (not just believe it), has a million suggestions for what else you could possibly think and do…AND knows how to ask questions and stay quiet so you can come up with the right answer for YOU.