How cognitive illusions prevent you from building the life you want (part 2C)
If you’re just jumping in to this series, here’s how you can get caught up.
In the intro, I told you how cognitive illusions systematically prevent people from building the lives they want…
By causing them to make decision after decision based on faulty thinking.
And how, once you know what these illusions are, you can combat them with signposts that let you know when you’re in the cognitive illusion zone…
And external structure to help you navigate through the illusion.
In Part 1, we talked through Cognitive Illusion #1: Anchoring to the negative.
Then we started talking about Cognitive Illusion #2: Trying to do it “right.”
In Part 2A, I walked you through how the illusion works and WHY it leads you to create the life you don’t want.
In Part 2B, I talked about how to combat this illusion.
Go back and read Parts 2A and 2B if you haven’t already!
Today, we’re going to talk about common pitfalls and objections that come up when people try to combat this illusion.
Objection 1: “But Pooja, breaking the automatic rulebook has real-life consequences.”
Yes, it definitely can.
O’Shae Sibley was killed last month while voguing to Beyonce and pumping gas at a gas station because someone thought he was too black and too gay.
Adam Grant wrote recently about how women who use “weak language” like “disclaimers (I might be wrong, but …), hedges (maybe, sort of), and tag questions (don’t you think?)” are perceived as more likable — and are therefore more likely to get raises and be listened to — than women who don’t use weak language.
There can absolutely be real-life consequences for breaking the automatic rulebook in your head — because there’s often a very similar version of that rulebook in other people’s heads.
But here are two more ways to think about it.
Sometimes, breaking your automatic rulebook doesn’t have external consequences.
One of the rules in my brain’s automatic rulebook has is “Always shave your legs before wearing shorts, skirts, or dresses.”
I was out of town last weekend, and I completely forgot to shave before going. I only brought dresses with me, so I just…wore the dresses.
And guess what? Nothing happened. I wasn’t arrested. No one yelled at me. No one said even anything.
I did feel nervous and awkward about it — but that’s an internal consequence, not an external one.
Or take “Have 2 kids,” which is another one of the rules in my brain.
Did you know that you can just…not have kids…and nothing happens to you?
So while, yes, some rules in your brain’s automatic rulebook DO carry real life, external consequences…
…Lots of those rules have NO real life consequences whatsoever.
Far from having consequences, breaking the rules can actually help you find YOUR people.
And when breaking the rules DOES have consequences, you still have the power to see following the rule as a situational choice, not a universal requirement.
The cognitive illusion isn’t thinking that the rules EXIST. Often, they do exist.
The cognitive illusion is thinking that the rules define who you are and represent your only choice.
Just because “women who use weak language when they ask for raises are more likely to get them,” per Adam Grant…
…Doesn’t mean you have to use weak language in every situation in your life.
…Or that using weak, hedging language is the “correct” way to be as a woman.
You can also see it as, “When I’m in a slightly adversarial situation, like asking for a raise or trying to persuade someone to do something they don’t want to do, one way I can smooth my own path is by using ‘weak language’ in that particular situation.”
And to see that as a situational choice and not a universal requirement.
It is NOT “I always have to hedge. I always have to use a disclaimer. I can never brag or be aggressive or be assertive because then I would be doing it wrong in some universal sense.”
It’s just: “I wear the right clothes for the occasion. I dress up when I go to a wedding and dress down when I go to a baseball game. But it’s not that I AM fancy attire or casual attire. I just put on the clothes that I think will work best in that situation.”
Is it fair that our society has different rules for people of different genders and skin tones and sexualities and nationalities?
NO. It’s complete BS.
And yet, it’s the reality we live in.
And you can still play by the rules when you absolutely need to…
…Without internalizing the rules to such an extent that they become your only internal compass and identity.
Objection 2: “So should I never follow external rules or take feedback from others, ever?”
Not at all.
It’s not about whether or not you follow external rules or listen to feedback.
It’s about WHY you’re following external rules and WHY you’re listening to feedback.
Are you doing it because you think you have to — that you have no choice?
Or are you doing it because you’ve filtered it through your own expertise and discernment, and YOU actually think it’s a good idea?
“Never follow the rules” is just as limiting as “Always follow the rules.”
There’s no external “always” or “never” anything.
It’s about being guided by your own inner knowing and making a conscious choice about what to do.
Objection 3: “I don’t have time for all this. I have things to do.”
Saying “I don’t have time to figure out how to be my true self and build my own playbook for how to live my life because I have too much stuff to do.”…
…Is like a business leader saying “I don’t have time to develop a strategy for my business. I have too many things I need to execute.”
Running fast and far doesn’t do you much good if you’re running in the wrong direction.
That’s not to say you have to drop everything and go on a months-long retreat to find yourself.
You probably still have to go to your job and pay your bills and take care of the people who depend on you.
Just like a business that needs a new strategy still needs to serve their existing customers and keep revenue coming in to cover their costs.
But that business still needs to set aside the time and get the support they need to craft their new strategy. Otherwise they’ll just keep marching in the wrong direction.
In the same way, you still need to set aside time and get the support you need to craft YOUR playbook for the life you actually want to live. Otherwise you’ll just keep marching in the wrong direction.
And one great way to set aside that time and get the support you need?
Objection 4: “This is all so new to me. I don't know how to do this.”
Here’s the good news.
You are NOT, by any means, a slave to your automatic rulebook.
You have plenty of areas in your life where you started with an automatic rulebook…and wrote your own nuanced, YOU-based playbook rooted in your own expertise and critical thinking.
Think about something you’re really good at. Your area of confidence and expertise.
Or think about a decision you really struggled with but ultimately worked through, and now you look back with full confidence at what you did and why.
Or think about something you started out being bad at, or uncertain about how to do, but over time you figured it out, and now you’re confident about it.
Take the time to get your examples clear in your mind.
I want you to see the evidence—
You already know how to do this.
You already know how to overwrite your automatic rulebook and replace it with YOUR personalized playbook that’s aligned to YOUR values and your perspective.
You are already good at this.
Objection 5: “My stupid brain keeps going back to the same stupid place.”
This is normal.
One of the things that can be really frustrating for people is when they KNOW what they want to think, but they notice their brain going back to the old thinking again and again in the heat of the moment.
Let’s reset your expectations for what mental habit change really looks like.
Because that’s what we’re really doing here — we’re changing a habit.
It just happens to be a mental & emotional habit, aka a way that you perceive, feel, and think about yourself and the world…
…rather than a physical habit like which hand you write with or how you drive a car.
Changing a mental habit has three components: logic, reps, and the practice arena.
So when it comes to breaking the habit of trying to do it “right” and blindly following your brain’s automatic rulebook…
First, you need the new logic you want to put in place, to replace the old logic.
If you’re not trying to do it “right”…what ARE you doing?
And how is that still safe, if not even safer than trying to do it “right”?
You have to make sure that the new logic really resonates and that you’ve answered all your brain’s objections to it.
If you haven’t, your brain will keep rejecting the new logic and defaulting to the old one.
Let’s say your new logic is “Instead of trying to do it ‘right,’ I’m going to try to be more myself.”
Once you have the new logic, you need lots of reps so that your brain actually accesses the new logic in the relevant moments.
When you look at all the emails in your inbox.
When you get critical feedback.
When you’re alone with your thoughts at night.
In all the situations where “doing it right” is relevant…
You have very well-worn neural pathways to access the OLD “try to do it right” logic in those situations.
And you need a lot of reps to strengthen the neural pathways that access the NEW “try to be myself” logic in those same situations.
You’ll have to access it “manually,” or consciously at first.
You may have to stop and think — “Wait, what does doing it like myself even look like in this situation?”
But once you get enough reps, your brain will put this new way of thinking and being on autopilot.
Finally, there’s the practice arena. WHEN and WHERE are you going to get your reps?
When people want their mental habit change to be instant, they say “Well, I just want to think my new thought all the time, everywhere.”
That’s a pretty grueling practice arena to start out with. It’s like trying to go from couch to marathon in one day.
Create a practice arena that is small and doable — one that you can be consistent in for a long time.
Maybe you practice doing things like yourself instead of doing things “right” for 30 minutes every morning while you clear your inbox.
That’s it. The rest of the day, don’t even worry about it.
Then, once that’s on autopilot, you can work on doing things like yourself instead of doing things “right” in routine meetings.
Once that’s feeling comfortable, you can expand to higher stakes meetings, or parties where you feel nervous to go, or anything else.
Pick a small, doable arena that’s not too much of a stretch for you.
Get your reps in just that arena. Don’t worry about the rest of your day or everything else going on in your life. One small step at a time.
And when that arena becomes comfortable, expand to the next step.
I’ve put a lot of thought into what it takes to actually create the life you want.
The problem isn’t tactical. It’s mental.
And as you can see from this series, I’ve made it my job to figure out what those mental obstacles are, how to get around them, and what to actually do, tactically every day, to turn your dream life into a reality.
I do it because I don’t want you to be like the people at Clay Christensen’s 30 year school reunions.
I don’t want you to be one of those people who accidentally end up implementing a life strategy that was the opposite of what they wanted.
Don’t just cross your fingers and hope that it all just turns out okay. (You would never do that at your job. So why do it in your life?)
Instead, you can learn exactly how the life-creating machine between your ears (aka your brain) actually works.
How it’s already creating the life you’re living right now…
…and how you can put your hands on the control panel and direct the machine in the direction YOU want to go.
Come talk to me, and let’s get started. I can’t wait :)
⬅️ Part 2B || Part 3 ➡️
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