How Not to Talk to a Five-Year-Old

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So we’ve talked about the five-year-old in your brain and her endless stream of all-day commentary.

Half the battle with the five-year-old — with your automatic brain — is just realizing that the commentary isn’t you. It’s popping up on its own, but you don’t need to take it as it comes. All you need to do is be aware that it’s happening. If you’re aware of it, you can change it.

But there are ways to mishandle your automatic brain too. Let’s look at four common mistakes people make once they’re aware of what their internal five-year-old is saying and they’re trying to change the conversation.

1. Getting frustrated at the five-year-old for being a five-year-old

2. Squashing it down and pretending it doesn’t exist

3. Forcefully redirecting it and trying to make yourself feel better

4. Getting overly concerned and digging into everything

How would these four approaches have played out in last week’s conversations? Here are what some unhelpful responses would have looked like:

Automatic brain: I’m so tired. I’m so tired!! I’m sooooo tiiiiirrrreeeed.

1. Frustrated: God, I’m always complaining about something. I need to be more positive.

2. Squash down: I’m not tired! I’m fine!

3. Forceful: Get energized! This is going to be a great day!

4. Overly concerned: This isn’t good. What do I need to fix so I stop being so tired?

Automatic brain: I need to EAT!! This is bullshit! I’m starving!!

1. Frustrated: I’m such a baby. I can’t believe I’m getting so mad over this.

2. Squash down: I’m not mad about doing chores before eating! It’s totally okay!

3. Forceful: I’m going to eat in five minutes, calm down already.

4. Overly concerned: Wow, I’m really overreacting to being hungry. Do I have issues with food that I need to work on?

Automatic brain: Hmm. Feeling a little pain today. [two minutes of worrying]

1. Frustrated: Great, there I go, getting anxious again. When am I going to get better at this?

2. Squash down: I’m not worried about this pain! It’s no big deal!

3. Forceful: Don’t get stressed about this! Just relax!

4. Overly concerned: This pain seems like a big problem. How am I going to solve this?

Automatic brain: We’re writing today? Didn’t we just write yesterday? UGH!

1. Frustrated: Ugh, do I have to feel like this every day? Why can’t I just WANT to write?

2. Squash down: No, I feel like writing today! I’m having fun!

3. Forceful: Come on, get excited! This is your dream! You should be so happy!

4. Overly concerned: I don’t want to write? That’s not a good sign. Should I rethink my career again?

These kinds of responses turn a small problem into a bigger problem.

Remember, your automatic brain is just a five-year-old! And your goal in these moments is just to get her to “okay fine.” You don’t need to convince her that everything is amazing. You just need to hit pause on the path she’s going down, and she’ll probably find something else to think about in a few seconds.

These responses do the opposite — they make the five-year-old double down on her path.

1. When you get frustrated, you’ve created an additional problem to solve. Now you’re tired and annoyed about your complaints about being tired. Hungry and frustrated with your response to being hungry. We’re trying to reduce problems here, not create them

2. When you squash it down, the problem simmers. It may go away in the moment, but it’s very likely to pop up again later in the day and even stronger this time.

3. When you forcefully redirect, your automatic brain fights back. You’re feeding it a story that doesn’t feel true, and it will be very happy to start listing all the reasons it’s not true.

4. When you get overly concerned, you compound the problem. Before, it was just a fleeting automatic brain thought that, 9 times out of 10, wasn’t really anything to worry about. But now, you’ve joined in with all your heavy duty logical problem-solving power and now you’re busy digging into something that probably doesn’t even need digging into.

So when your automatic brain throws up an unhelpful thought (which by the way, is going to be most of the time), try the four light-touch responses. Avoid these four mistakes. And if your automatic brain is still screaming — if the emotions just aren’t going away and you can’t get yourself to do what you need to do — then it’s time to dig in.

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Photo by Zachary Kadolph on Unsplash