When “trying harder” doesn't work

There are some areas where “trying harder” is very effective for me.

Studying for a test. Pushing through a tough workout. Working hard before a big deliverable.

These are all areas where I can lock in, grind through, and get it done — and doing so often leads to great success.

And there are other areas where “trying harder” doesn’t work for me.

Coming up with creative new ideas. Figuring out my identity or my purpose.

Processing difficult emotions. Changing my habitual thinking.

Dating. Sales. Making friends.

In these areas, pushing, grinding, and forcing it often backfires.

A drill sergeant yelling at me might get me to do 10 more push-ups…

…but they probably won’t make me come up with 10 more jokes for my comedy routine.

And I can assure you that “trying harder” at dating only makes the whole experience miserable for everyone involved.

What’s the difference here?

Here’s my hypothesis.

Different pursuits have different levels of optimal pressure.

Studying for a test. Pushing through a tough workout. Working hard before a big deliverable.

Just getting something DONE is a pursuit that, FOR ME, responds well to a higher level of pressure.

I might not learn all these concepts by myself…but having the test tomorrow focuses me, and I get it all done faster than I thought I could.

I might not do those last 3 reps…but a trainer urging me on helps me do what I thought I couldn’t.

Coming up with creative new ideas. Figuring out my identity or my purpose.

For me, creativity and the excavation of my subconscious is a pursuit that responds well to lower levels of pressure

“Forcing it” doesn’t help. This kind of pursuit needs wide open space for lots of aimless free association.

I wander around, stare out the window, watch TV, take a nap — and suddenly a great idea pops up out of nowhere.

(August Kekulé, who discovered the chemical structure of benzene, said that it occurred to him in a daydream, after all.)

Processing difficult emotions. Changing my habitual thinking.

Changing the wiring of my brain and my nervous system is a pursuit that responds well to lower levels of pressure.

My automatic brain and my nervous system hang on to their current way of doing things because they think it’s safe.

More pressure (aka “I need to feel better right now! I need to just be confident already! I always make the same stupid mistakes!”) = less of a feeling of safety.

Less safety = my brain and nervous system hang on to their current way of doing things even more tightly.

If I want to feel through difficult emotions, that my nervous system really wants to avoid…

Or if I want to change the way my brain habitually thinks about things…

…the first thing I need to do is create lots of safety.

I need to make my brain and nervous system feel SO safe that it feels okay to let go of habitual ways of doing things and try something different.

Hence — low pressure.

Hence, telling my brain: “Take your time. We have all the time in the world. I’m right here with you. We can stay here as long as you want. No worries. I love you no matter what.”

(My four-part masterclass on this topic gives you more ways to talk to your brain in ways that create safety.)

And it’s only with that foundation of absolute love and acceptance of what currently IS that my brain is even willing to consider making real, fundamental changes.

Dating. Sales. Making friends.

Building trust and connection with other people is a pursuit that responds well to lower levels of pressure.

When you’re interacting with other people, there’s the concrete stuff you say and do…

And then there’s the intangible element of what you’re thinking and feeling while you do it.

And that intangible element? People can smell it.

You can give two people the same pick-up lines to use at a bar…

…but you can instantly tell who’s insecure and needy, and who’s confident and won’t be shaken by how you respond.

You can give two salespeople the same scripts to use on sales calls…

…but you can instantly tell who’s desperate for the sale, and who’s already hit their quota and isn’t too bothered.

And for me, when I put a lot of pressure on myself to “close” or “win” a human interaction…

…that translates into a “funky smell” that usually drives people away.

When I think I’m perfectly good exactly as I am…

I love being single. I have plenty of friends. I’ve made enough money. Anything extra would just be icing on the cake.

…it’s like a “relaxing spa fragrance” that puts everyone at at ease and that people love to be around.

Which is why increasing the stakes and piling on the pressure just doesn’t help when it comes to forming real human connections.

It’s why treating dating as a project to be completed never worked for me.

And it’s why selling coaching is really easy for me.

Whether I get clients or not, I’m already living my dream life because I get to write and publish every day.

This is my ideal retirement career — and it’s happening today.

And when someone wants to work with me one-on-one, on TOP of that? What a fun bonus!

(I am NOT perfect at holding this mindset, btw. But when I hold it, marketing & selling is simple and easy. And when I lose it, marketing & selling instantly becomes icky and confusing.)

We often think that lowering the pressure is the same thing as caring less.

This is not the case.

You are no less dedicated, hardworking, or committed to your outcome.

You are not lowering your standards or giving up.

You are fine-tuning the machine.

It’s because of your high standards and dedication that you’re making the necessary adjustments to ensure your success.

An amateur runner goes all-out for the entire race.

A champion runner chooses when to push. They go all-out sometimes, and they hold back other times — strategically, in a way that creates the best end result.

So I want you to ask yourself…

If you’re really grinding on a pursuit, and it’s just not working, and you cant seem to figure out what you’re doing wrong…

Ask yourself: What’s the right level of pressure for this pursuit, for me?

The situations I gave you above are only examples. It’s just what works for me.

These are not hard rules for you to follow. Your thresholds and situations might be totally different.

I’m not here to tell you what to do.

I’m here to help you ask the right questions.

You probably know how to raise the pressure…

Set a hard deadline, preferably one that comes up very soon.

Get an accountability buddy.

Make an external commitment.

Set a certain number of reps or a streak that you want to hit.

Listen, you know how to stress yourself out :)

How do you lower the pressure?

It’s easy to say and hard to do.

You lower the pressure when you find complete sufficiency in your current state.

When you’re 100% okay with being where you are today, with no timeline whatsoever.

When you genuinely believe — I’m all good either way.

Your brain may rebel against that assertion.

And that’s a great topic to bring to a coach.

Because this is exactly what I help my clients do: Find sufficiency and enough-ness exactly where they are today.

(Which, it turns out, is better, more sustainable fuel for growth and change than anything else I’ve ever found.)

It’s okay if you can’t see HOW this is even possible :)

We’ll work with your brain step by step.

We’ll surface everything your brain currently believes with patience and precision.

We’ll build the custom “thought ladder” to this new belief, for YOUR situation.

And we’ll build the concrete practice plan that turns that thought ladder into a thought highway you can access more and more easily every time.

True high performance is not all high pressure, all the time.

I know you love doing things things really freaking well.

(I ALSO love doing things really freaking well! :)

But ONLY applying high pressure to get things done is like the amateur runner going all-out for the entire race.

It’s just not what the best performers do — because it doesn’t work.

The best performers know how to shift modes.

They know when more pressure is needed…

…they know when LESS pressure is needed…

…and they know how to toggle between the two and create the right pressure setting for themselves, internally and externally, to do their best work.

So if you want to learn how to adjust your “internal pressure control panel” as quickly and efficiently as possible…

If you want structured guidance, practice, and troubleshooting with an expert…

And if you want to lock in this skill for the rest of your life…

Then come talk to me, and let’s get started :)

I asked one of my clients what they would tell someone who was thinking of working with me, and they said:

“Don't skimp where it matters the most, which is investing in yourself. If you read or listen to her content, you already have a pretty good idea of how she thinks about things. If you resonate with that, working with her is ten times the value.”

If you’ve read this far into the email, I know you like what you’re reading.

So come talk to me and get even more :)

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