The 4 unhelpful ways you usually handle your stress (intro)
A few months ago, I wrote about how feeling bad is a lot like feeling cold.
Many people hire a coach because they’re (metaphorically) walking on a frozen tundra wearing nothing but a t-shirt.
And I teach them 3 essential skills:
How to put on a jacket, aka how to stay where you are but not let it affect your internal state so much
How to move to a warmer climate, aka how to decide when an environment simply isn’t right for you and it’s time to make a change
How to tolerate being cold sometimes, aka how to just feel bad without running away from it because feeling bad is a normal part of life
This series is going to dive deep into Skill #3. Here’s why.
Changing your thoughts (Skill #1) and changing your circumstances (Skill #2) are super fun. They’re all about taking charge, making changes, and feeling better.
But there will be times when you simply don’t have the capacity to do #1 or #2.
There will be times when your emotions flare up SO big that they seem to block out everything.
Your brain goes offline. Your perspective shrinks. You forget everything you ever learned. You have no bandwidth for anything.
In those moments, you need Skill #3.
You need to take your focus off your external environment…
…and put the focus on what’s currently happening inside you.
Stop planning, problem-solving, changing your thoughts about, or taking action on your external circumstances.
And shift your focus to your internal circumstances.
Decide how you want to think about the thing that is currently happening inside of you.
Now, there are four ways that people usually think about the thing that is currently happening inside of them.
I’m going to show why those four ways often aren’t helpful and give you four other ways to think about it instead.
Unhelpful Way #1: They believe and build on what’s currently happening inside them.
Your boss looks you in the face and says, “I’m disappointed in you.”
Your heart starts racing. You break out in a cold sweat. Your mind starts going at 100 mph — or it goes completely blank.
You’re having an automatic stress response — and it’s BIG.
And your reaction to that automatic stress response is to believe and build on the story it’s telling you.
“She’s disappointed in me. She SHOULD be disappointed in me!! Here are the three reasons why. And this other reason. And also this other thing.
Here’s what’s going to happen next. She’s going to fire me. Then she’s going to blacklist me. No one will ever want to work with me again. My career is over. I’ll be a homeless outcast.
Oh and by the way? Here are the OTHER ways I’m also disappointing. I’m disappointing at home. I’m disappointing in my hobbies. I’m disappointing at parties. I’m disappointing at everything.”
And when you believe and build on your automatic stress response…
…the thing happening inside of you grows bigger and bigger.
Unhelpful Way #2: They resist and run from what’s currently happening inside them.
You wrap up work for the day and close your laptop.
As you sit in the quiet of the evening, you hear a little whisper in the back of your mind… “You didn’t do enough. You’re so behind. You need to do more…”
You start to feel tense and antsy as that soundtrack, which was drowned out by other things all day long, comes loudly in to the foreground.
Nope! This is so uncomfortable!
So you run. You turn on the TV. You grab a drink. You eat something sugary. You open Instagram. You may even open the laptop again and knock out a few more emails.
Anything to block out that noise.
But holding that feeling down is just like holding a beachball under water. The harder you push against it, the harder it pushes back.
So when you slam the lid on that feeling and run away from it…
…the thing happening inside of you grows bigger and bigger.
Unhelpful Way #3: They invalidate what’s currently happening inside them.
You read over an email that you just wrote. Is that too many exclamation points? Should you say “Hi [name]” or just “Hey!”? Is it clear? Is it too long? Are they going to be mad at you?
You sit there worrying about the email, and then you tell yourself: This shouldn’t stress me out so much. People have bigger problems than this. I’m overreacting.
But telling yourself that doesn’t resolve the stress you have about the email.
All it does is add a NEW layer of stress on top of it.
You’re worried about the email, AND you feel bad about being worried about the email.
Now you have two problems instead of one…
…and the thing happening inside of you grows bigger and bigger.
Unhelpful Way #4: They pathologize what’s currently happening inside them.
(And by “pathologize,” I just mean “see it as a disease, or as something wrong with you” :)
You get the big promotion you’ve been waiting for. You’ve been working and dreaming so hard for this. But now that the day is here, you just feel…numb. And scared. What if you screw this up?
And then you tell yourself: What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I appreciate the success I worked so hard for? Am I crazy?
But wondering if you’re crazy doesn’t make you feel good about the promotion.
All it does is add a NEW layer of stress on top of the stress that was already there.
You’re numb and scared…AND you’re worried that something is wrong with you.
Once again, you now have two problems instead of one…
…and the thing happening inside of you grows bigger and bigger.
By now you can probably see the common theme here.
An automatic stress response happens in your brain and in your body. A thing starts happening automatically inside you.
And when you REACT to the thing happening inside you in one of these 4 ways…that thing gets BIGGER.
All 4 of these reactions add more fuel to a fire that you wish wasn’t burning in the first place.
So how are you supposed to react?
What else could you possibly think about these uncomfortable feelings and sensations and soundtracks happening inside you?
Don’t worry. It’s not a mystery.
Because the fact is: You already know how to do this.
I’m going to show you how over the next few days in a 4-part masterclass:
Part 1: If you can get your legs waxed, you can manage your stress 🦵🏼 (click to read)
Part 2: If you can eat Thanksgiving dinner, you can manage your stress 🍗 (click to read)
Part 3: If you can give a toddler a hug, you can manage your stress 👶🏻 (click to read)
Part 4: If you can watch a fireworks show, you can manage your stress 🎆 (click to read)
Because the reality is that the uncomfortable automatic reactions happening within you are actually pretty similar to other things you already face in your life.
And you already know how to handle those other things really well.
Which means you don’t have to figure this out from scratch.
You just need to bring what you’re doing over THERE over HERE :)
And when you do, you’ll still have the initial automatic reaction going off inside you.
But you’ll learn how to NOT add fuel to the fire and make it even worse.
And you’ll learn how to create the space for that initial reaction to wind itself down and peter out. (And it will, I promise. No feeling lasts forever.)
And once the reaction has calmed down, your brain will come back online, you’ll remember the things you’ve learned, things won’t feel quite so overwhelming…
And you can get back to taking charge, making changes, and feeling better again :)
So stay tuned over the next few days as we dive deep into all of this.
Because feeling automatic stress responses all day long, and then reacting to them in the 4 ways above, is exactly how people burn out.
And you can tell if you’re on this trajectory right now.
If you’re reading the 4 Unhelpful Ways above, and you’re thinking: Oh yeah, I totally do all of that…and that fire you’re talking about has been growing for months and months, if not years…
Then it’s time for you to hire a coach.
Because I don’t want you to spend another day letting this fire get bigger and bigger.
The longer you stay in burnout mode, the longer it will take you to re-center and recover.
And I don’t want you to drag this out for months or years when this is a simple, fixable problem.
I’ll teach you the tools in one session, customized to your unique situation.
You’ll start implementing right away. No reading and then forgetting about it — coaching guarantees complete follow-through.
I’ll be right there with you to keep you on track and accountable every step of the way. Because this is is getting DONE.
Let’s get started today.
Read Part 1 ➡️
💻 Website | 📸 Instagram | 🎧 Podcast | 💌 Newsletter | 👋🏽 Free resources