5 Things to Do When You Disagree with Someone
If you’re anything like me, conflict makes you very uncomfortable.
And yet, people run around having different opinions than you (ugh) and telling you all about them (UGH!), and what are you supposed to do?
Agree — and have no backbone? Pick a fight — and lose a friend?
Stay quiet — and fume? Tell the person how to think — and be controlling?
Every option seems terrible.
Well, worry no longer, my friends. The next time you find yourself feeling awkward and upset over someone else’s opinion, here are the 5 things you need to do.
But first, let’s set up an example so you can see the steps in action. Our opponent in the ring today…
The Meddling Aunty
Why are you still single? You’re too picky. Girls these days! No one is perfect, you know. And if you wait too long, you’ll end up alone forever. You have to hurry before all the good guys get taken. I know the perfect guy. Let me introduce you to…
Alright — let’s get in the ring and get started!
Step 1: Decide what you think.
This is the most important step. So often, the reason someone else’s opinion bothers you is because some part of you agrees with them.
Other people’s opinions are like magnets, drawing to the surface the parts of you that think they could be right.
So every disagreement must start here. Decide what you think.
Am I too picky? Honestly…no. I’ve talked over what I’m looking for with trusted friends a thousand times. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. And I’m proud of myself for not compromising on what matters to me.
Will I end up alone forever? I’m never alone — I have amazing friends and family around me all the time. Being in a bad relationship is much lonelier than being happily single. Some of the loneliest moments I’ve had have been in the middle of bad dates! So no, I don’t have anything to worry about.
Step 2: Accept that someone else COULD have a different opinion, and it might even make sense in their context.
When you’re solid on your own opinion, it can be tempting to have contempt for anyone who disagrees with you.
Don’t. It doesn’t help you, them, or the relationship. People can disagree without either side being crazy!
How could it be possible that their opinion makes total sense, given their experience and context?
She grew up in a culture where the social cost of not being married by a certain age was steep and unavoidable. Of course she thinks the way she thinks! The leap she has to make to understand what I’m doing is probably equivalent to the leap I’d have to make to understand polyamorous relationships. I get it. My viewpoint is as weird to her as hers is to me.
Step 3: Stop taking responsibility for what other people think, feel, or do.
The next problem that usually crops up is “But this difference in opinion is making THEM think / feel / do something that I don’t like. So how do I change that?”
Stop. This is a futile quest that only leads to pain and frustration.
You have total control over YOUR thoughts, feelings, and actions.
And other people have total control over THEIR thoughts, feelings, and actions.
All you can ever be to someone else is a neutral circumstance. Everything else is up to them.
You can’t cause people to have certain thoughts about you. Or to feel certain feelings. Or to act in certain ways.
All you can ever manage are YOUR intentions, your emotions, and your actions. So focus on what you can control and give the rest back to them. 1
I think she’s disapproving of my decisions and also pitying me for the life I’m going to lead. And she’s definitely going to gossip about me to someone else.
And…that’s exactly what she’d be doing even if I wasn’t here. I could probably be married and she’d just find the next thing to disapprove of, pity, and gossip about.
Not my problem. Just her pattern, no matter what’s in front of her.
Step 4: Give yourself a resolution. Don’t wait for someone else to give it for you.
At this point, a lot of the discomfort has hopefully been resolved.
But often, one nagging little wish can remain…
Can’t they just acknowledge me? Can’t they say they get it? That even if they disagree, they see how it makes sense for me?
This is a classic “thought error,” where your brain is seeking a circumstance (their words) in order to create a feeling (resolution).
But circumstances don’t cause feelings. Only thoughts do.
So ask yourself: What thought is preventing you from feeling resolved right now? And then find the thoughts you need to close the issue and resolve it for yourself.
I do wish I could get her to agree with me. It would be so satisfying if I could just convince her. But…this is just who she is.
And at the end of the day, unless she’s planning to kidnap me and drag me to the altar herself…her opinion just doesn’t affect me at all.
I already know what I’m going to do. So she can talk as much as she wants, but this issue is closed.
Step 5: Decide whether you want to be around this person’s words and actions.
You can be clear on what you think, have empathy for the other perspective, let go of responsibility for the other person’s feelings, and give yourself all the closure you need…
…and you still don’t need to hang out with this person if you don’t want to.
Don’t want to be around it anymore? Then freely walk away, my friend.
Just check the thought and feeling driving your action of “stop hanging out with them.”
Is your intention to make them feel bad? Or change their behavior? Or make them agree with you? Then pause and go back to steps 3 and 4.
But if your intention is focused on you (and not them), and sounds something like “They can keep being who they want to be — I just don’t want to be around it. Bye!” then you’re probably on the right track.
Okay, I think I’ve had enough of this conversation. Time to pretend I heard someone calling me and make an exit. Bye, aunty!
So there you have it, my friends! If you’re in the middle of a conflict that’s making you want to run and hide, come back to these 5 steps and figure out WHY.
Your diagnostic tool and action plan are right here.
Which of these 5 things have you not done? Pinpoint the issue. And then get to work.
PS: For many people, the things on this list are the pinnacle of “easier said than done.”
Especially if the person is someone you’re close with, whose opinions you trust, and with whom you want an ongoing relationship.
And even more so if you want to execute all these “thought acrobatics” live in the moment, in an actual conversation.
This list is an awesome start.
But fully putting it into practice in the relationships you care about takes deeper self-knowledge, consistent practice, and focused time (weeks – not minutes).
Luckily, that’s exactly what I specialize in.
That difficult relationship in your life right now — the one that’s taking up all your bandwidth and going nowhere?
Let’s make it easy, effortless, and calm. And let’s free up your brain to work on something else.
It’s absolutely possible — and you don’t even need the other person in the room.
Come talk to me and let’s get started.
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And to be clear – this is NOT a free pass to be a jerk. If your intent is to hurt someone, or if you’re hearing someone tell you “I’m hurt by that” and your thought is “that’s not valid to me” — that’s on you.