7 Ways to be Totally Okay, Exactly Where You Are Right Now (part 2)
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In Part 0 of this series, we set up the foundational technique to being okay exactly where you are: noticing what you’re thinking and deciding how to react to those thoughts popping into your brain.
In Part 1, we covered one potential way to react to unhelpful thoughts and uncomfortable feelings: relax into it, the same way you might relax into a mildly painful experience, like getting your blood drawn or your legs waxed.
Now let’s talk about way #2.
2: Treat your old thoughts like an optical illusion
You’ve seen optical illusions before. Here’s one now: In the picture below, which yellow line is longer?
A few things probably just happened:
Your eyes told you that the top yellow line is longer than the bottom yellow line.
You put this picture in context and recognized that you’ve seen pictures like it before. “Okay, she just told me this is an optical illusion. And it looks a lot like other optical illusions I’ve seen in the past.”
You came to your conclusion. “So even though the lines LOOK like they’re different lengths, I bet they’re actually the same length. Isn’t that how these things usually work?”
You’d be right by the way. The top line looks longer than the bottom line, but they are actually the same length.
You can understand why this image tricks your eyes (it’s the forced perspective). You can even take out a ruler and measure the yellow lines and confirm that they’re the same length.
But you cannot MAKE your eyes see the lines as the same length.
Your automatic brain is just too fast for that. It is always going to tell you that the top line is longer, no matter how long you look.
Now here’s the real question for you: How do you feel about the fact that your eyes always tell you that the top line is longer?
Are you frustrated and upset that you can’t see the picture right?
Are you judging yourself for what happened, and wondering if your eyes are totally messed up?
Are you searching for special glasses that will make sure your eyes never do this to you again?
Probably not.
You’re probably like, “Uh, it’s no big deal. That’s just how eyes work sometimes. Whatever.”
Now let’s look at some real life scenarios. There are all kinds of situations where I know my automatic brain is going to throw a bunch of crappy thoughts at me.
After most coaching sessions: “You should have said this. You shouldn’t have said that. How could you do this? How did you miss that? Omg. That was so bad.” (Accompanying feeling: panic)
If I go on a bad date: “You’re never going to find someone. This process is doomed. Sucks to suck. Get ready to be alone forever.” (Accompanying feeling: frustration)
If I wake up late in the morning: “Oh great. Terrible start to the day. You’re already behind. You’re never going to be able to catch up. What’s wrong with you?” (Accompanying feeling: stress)
These thoughts are my brain’s optical illusions.
I know, intellectually, that none of these thoughts are justified. The coaching session actually went fine. One bad date today doesn’t mean all bad dates forever. And even when I wake up late, I usually still manage to get everything done for the day.
And I also know that, despite that, my automatic brain consistently gives me these thoughts in these particular situations.
Just like how my automatic brain consistently sees the top yellow line as longer than the bottom yellow line, in pictures like the one above.
So how do I want to react to those unhelpful automatic thoughts coming up?
Do I want to get frustrated and upset that those thoughts are in my brain?
Do I want to judge myself and wonder if my brain is totally messed up?
Do I want to hunt for the magic solution that will make sure I never think those thoughts again?
I don’t have to do any of that.
I can react to those thoughts the same way I react to my eyes’ perception of the illusion: “Uh, it’s no big deal. That’s just how brains work sometimes. Whatever.”
I don’t have to get on the train and believe my thoughts.
And I also don’t have to get annoyed and spring into action and start fighting my thoughts.
I can just say, “Oh, I know this one. This is an optical illusion. No big deal.”
And instead of piling more negative thoughts on top of the original negative thoughts…
I can break the loop and let it go.