7 Ways to be Totally Okay, Exactly Where You Are Right Now (part 0)
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Today, I’m going to introduce a foundational concept for being totally okay exactly where you are. The seven techniques in this series are all based around this one core concept.
Now as you know, the first step to solving any problem is to put your problem in The Model.
Circumstance: What are the objective, neutral FACTS of the situation?
Thought: What are your thoughts about those facts?
Feeling: When you think that, what emotion do you feel?
Action: When you feel that way, what do you do and not do?
Result: What is the effect of those actions on you?
Let’s take an example.
Circumstance: Meeting on calendar for 9 am on Monday
Thought: I’m not prepared.
Feeling: Panicked
Actions: Walk away from the computer, eat a snack, scroll on my phone, do random chores
Result: I don’t prepare for the meeting.
A clear, clean, simple model. The meeting on my calendar is neutral. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s not doing anything to me.
My thought about the meeting is making me feel panicked. That panicked feeling leads me to take a bunch of actions. And those actions make my thought come true. I end up not prepared for the meeting.
The root cause of my problem is my thought. Not the meeting.
Great! Diagnosis complete.
But let me tell you something.
When I’m actually in the middle of that panic, knowing that the panic is “just” coming from my thoughts doesn’t help me for shit.
When I am smack-dab in the middle of that emotion…
When I’m already in the middle of taking those actions, and I didn’t even notice my hand going into the bag of chips…
The thought and the emotion feel so powerful that it seems impossible to “just think something different.”
So what the hell am I supposed to do then?
This is where the foundational technique of this whole series comes in.
You’ve made a Model about the situation.
And now you’re going to put that Model in the Circumstance line of a new Model.
Circumstance: I notice that I’m thinking “I’m not prepared.” I notice the feeling of panic in my body. I notice that I really want to walk away, eat, scroll, and do chores.
Thought: How do I want to think about these things happening in my brain and my body?
Feeling: How does that thought make me feel?
Action: What do I want to do and not do, when I feel that way?
Result: What is the effect of those actions on me?
This is what I mean when I say “a little slice of perspective” — that “tiny little perch in your brain for you to sit and watch what’s happening instead of being in the experience.”
Just the act of saying “I notice that I’m thinking and feeling this”…
…rather than being 100% absorbed in those thoughts and feelings…
Gives you a tiny bit of wiggle room.
And when you can create that little bit of space…
You can break the cycle.
And instead of becoming increasingly panicked about your panic. Or angry about your anger. Or sad about your sadness.
You can at least feel neutral or even calm or accepting about the thought and the emotion that are already here anyway.
And how do you actually do that?
What are some things you could actually think, in that second Model About The Model?
That’s exactly what this series is about.