How I Get Out of a Self-Critical Spiral: Part 2, The Principles
Earlier, I told you my current process steps for getting out of a self-critical spiral.
And I told you that, while you’re welcome to borrow what I do, I don’t think it’s really about the specific process steps. Because I keep updating and evolving this playbook, even just for myself.
I think the real magic is in the PRINCIPLES that allow me to develop and continually adapt this playbook.
Here are those principles. They are the core principles of coaching.
Principle 1: Every thought you believe becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When I think “I’m a lazy slob” (and believe it 100% and think it’s a fact)…
That thought makes me feel ashamed.
When I feel ashamed, I procrastinate, stay in bed, cancel plans, watch TV, etc.
And in doing so, I become a lazy slob.
Tangibly, I do Lazy Slob Things (per my own mental definition).
Mentally, I build my belief that I’m a lazy slob.
This is the essence of the self-coaching model.
Circumstances exist in the world, without any inherent meaning.
You have thoughts about those circumstances — you give them a meaning.
Those thoughts create feelings.
Those feelings drive you to do things and simultaneously block you from doing other things.
Your actions create a net result — which always confirms the thought that you started with.
But Pooja, what about when my shame motivates me to do things?
This is almost WORSE — because it puts you into the Cruel Paradox model.
For example—
I think “I’m a lazy slob” (and believe it 100% and think it’s a fact)…
That thought makes me feel ashamed.
That shame might motivate me to do things…but HOW exactly do I do things when I’m operating from shame?
I work in a desperate, haphazard, less thoughtful, less effective way
I make unrealistic, unsustainable plans that lead to boom/bust cycles of productivity — which only makes me MORE convinced that I’m a lazy slob that can’t be consistent
I’m primed to notice all the ways I’m a lazy slob AND to ignore or discount all the ways I’m being productive
This is how your automatic brain works. Taking in ALL available data and critically analyzing everything all the time would take way too much energy.
So instead, your brain constantly filters the world to confirm what you already believe.
And in doing all this, I create a lazy slob Cruel Paradox.
Tangibly, I’m getting things done! Things are getting checked off my list, one by one!
But mentally, I’m more convinced than ever that I’m a lazy slob and that I always need shame and strictness to keep my inherent lazy-slob-ness in check.
When you take action from shame, fear, scarcity, inadequacy, and “I am NOT what I want to be” thinking…
You can create great tangible results — it’s possible to do a lot of work from that place!
But mentally, you stay on the treadmill of shame, fear, scarcity, inadequacy, and “I am NOT what I want to be” thinking.
The more you eat, the hungrier you get.
Water, water everywhere — and not a drop to drink.
Cruel Paradox models are the reason why high achievers get everything they wanted and still aren’t happy.
But wait, I can think of times when I started out of fear or shame but I didn’t end up in this “Cruel Paradox” you’re describing!
That’s because your thoughts changed on their own somewhere along the way.
Starting with fear or shame and then unconsciously switching to confidence or flow somewhere along the way is a very common phenomenon.
It could be an interesting fact in a document, or a bit of positive feedback, or an impending deadline, or a playlist you like — these are all external circumstances that can cause your brain to automatically switch to a different thought, emotion, and overall model that you like better.
And this is awesome!! I am SO happy that this happens.
But I don’t want you to be controlled by the circumstances that trigger these automatic switches today.
I don’t want you to say things like: “I can’t feel confident unless I get good feedback. I can only get in flow if I have a deadline. I can’t focus without the right playlist.”
My goal is to take this thought switch, which is happening unconsciously today…
…and put it fully into your hands, so you have more control over how you feel, how you act, and the tangible and mental results you create…
All so that you don’t have to be dependent on a fragile arrangement of circumstances or just hope your brain “magically snaps into it” in order to live the life you want.
Principle 2: If you want something different in your life, you have to change your thoughts FIRST.
If the thoughts you believe become self-fulfilling prophecies…
And if you can’t “outwork” fear, shame, and inadequacy because even if they make you do a lot of stuff, they put you into the Cruel Paradox where the more stuff you do, the MORE afraid, ashamed, and inadequate you feel…
Then making any change has to go like this: Change the thoughts FIRST. Let that trickle down into new emotions, new actions, and new results.
When I’m deep in a self-critical spiral, my brain is convinced that this is the right sequence:
You’re a lazy slob — that’s a fact. ➡️
Go do a lot of stuff, you slob. ➡️
Once you’ve done stuff, you’ll be a productive person.
But THIS is the sequence that will actually work:
Believe I’m a productive person NOW. ➡️
Feel like and act like a productive person. ➡️
Be a productive person — inside and out.
Whatever you think will be true about you at the END…
You have to believe and feel those things about yourself NOW, in order to get there, STAY there, and actually FEEL like you got there.
Don’t work on these questions: What do I need to DO? How can I make myself do it?
Work on these questions: What do I need to believe about myself? Who do I need to BE? How can I step into their skin right now?
This is not manifestation mumbo-jumbo.
This works because of the way your brain works.
You have an automatic brain and a deliberate brain.
(It’s really automatic mental processes and deliberate mental processes but that gets longwinded to write.
You may know of them as System 1 and System 2, from Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky.)
Your automatic brain does 90%+ of your thinking without any conscious awareness, effort, or intention from your part.
Your automatic brain maintains a coherent story of who you are, what’s going on, and how the world works at all times.
You can’t stop this automatic thinking even if you try.
And all this automatic thinking just floats up in front of your deliberate brain, and it all seems like objective facts, not subjective thoughts.
E.g.: It’s not that I THINK I’m a lazy slob. I AM a lazy slob. That’s a fact!
Your deliberate brain “lazily approves” most of the conclusions your automatic brain has already come to. Doing ground-up, objective critical thinking takes a lot of energy and effort. You only do it when it really matters.
And how is your automatic brain is coming to all those conclusions?
Your automatic brain is NOT a scientist. It does NOT take in all available data, consider multiple viewpoints, and come to thoughtful, balanced conclusions.
Your automatic brain is confirmation bias machine. It constantly filters the world to confirm what you already believe by highlighting everything that proves your existing beliefs and suppressing or discounting anything that contradicts them.
This is why, when you take lots of action from shame, fear, or inadequacy, you end up in the Cruel Paradox.
You did lots of stuff! You created great results!
But you never reset the belief in the confirmation bias machine.
So the machine kept on confirming the belief you started with, no matter how much evidence to the contrary.
But Pooja, how do I just BELIEVE new things at the drop of a hat? How do I reset the belief in the machine?
I gave you my own current playbook in part one of this series.
I’ve written a full 7 part series on how to believe something new.
My table of contents has hundreds of articles full of thought exercises, reframes, and helpful questions for all kinds of situations.
And if you come work with me, we will delve into my never-ending bag of tricks to unstick your current beliefs and start planting new ones.
But here’s what’s more important than the answer to that question.
It’s the fact that you’re asking the right question.
Asking the right question…
Pointing your brain at the right problem to work on…
Aiming your effort at the highest point of leverage…
That is 80% of the battle right there.
If you keep your focus on that question —
How do I believe this new thing I want to believe?
And you keep getting in there and working on it every day and noticing what works and noticing your resistance and looking for thought suggestions and trying new things until it clicks.
You will definitely get there.
Because that’s all I did to create my own playbook. I’m not a unique genius. I just kept trying new stuff and noticing what worked and what didn’t.
And that’s all you need to do too.
Principle 3: Use this process of noticing and changing your thoughts to befriend and become yourself.
If you could see previous versions of my “get out of self-critical spiral” playbook, you would notice they were very aggressive.
Excel spreadsheets full of new thoughts to think, which I forced myself to stare at like a goose being force-fed.
Lists of evidence that should prove my new thought.
Stickies and post-its everywhere.
Annoyance and frustration when things didn’t click.
It wasn’t WHAT I was doing that was the problem.
It was the WAY I was doing it.
It was the thought that was driving me to change my thoughts.
It was WHY I was doing all this to begin with — the intention and purpose behind the whole exercise.
This process is a tool like any other.
You can use a hammer to build a house, or you can use it to kill someone.
Neither is inherent to the hammer. It’s all in how it’s used.
In the same way, you can use this process to judge, shame, and punish yourself — as yet another high-stakes arena where you have to “do it right” or yet another remedy to “fix yourself.”
Or you can use this process to get to know yourself better. To become more intimate with yourself. To laugh at your quirks. To look with fascination at your rough edges. To grasp hands with your five-year-old self. To run wild and free beside the soft animal inside of you. To excavate the truth of who you really are and bravely bring it to light.
Neither is inherent to the process. It’s all in how it’s used.
And let me tell you — this might be the most important principle of all.
What you think about your current self…
How you feel about the version of you that is 100% stuck in her current thinking, totally resistant, and refuses to budge…
What you think about her is your relationship with yourself.
If you can use this process as a vessel to infuse that relationship with love, patience, understanding, good humor, curiosity, and compassion.
If you can use this process to make that relationship into the best relationship in your life…
The relationship of your dreams, straight out of a fairy tale…
Honestly, that’s all you really need.
Because then, this process will become so fun and enlivening to you that you’ll go out there and get a million reps — and you’ll easily figure the rest out.
I want you to put these principles into action in your life.
And the fastest, easiest, most efficient way for you to do that is to work with a coach.
You can do it on your own too! You’re more than smart enough.
I just want you to get there as quickly and directly as possible.
There’s no need for you to reinvent the wheel or do it all yourself.
Lean on the experience and expertise of a professional — the same way you do when you hire consultants at work, a personal trainer for your fitness, or a financial planner for your money.
You just get there faster when you stand on the shoulders of others’ knowledge.
I want you to make your relationship with yourself into the best relationship in your life.
And I want you to start today.
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