If you can hug a toddler, you can manage your stress (part 3)
Before we start, you have to watch this 30 second video, aka my absolute favorite toddler video on the internet (from the fabulous @hungrysarang Instagram account).
Today, we’re going to take how you reacted to the adorable toddler in this video and apply it to how you react to YOURSELF when you’re stressed.
You know that this reaction is normal.
When you see a toddler crying about not getting a ring, it’s very easy for you to hold two ideas in your head at once.
Idea 1: This toddler’s reaction is 100% normal. Many small children cry when they see someone else getting a gift because they’re feeling jealous and they don’t know how to handle it.
Idea 2: This toddler is 100% safe and fine. They are not in any real danger.
These seem like two opposing ideas. A big negative reaction is normal. AND there’s no real danger in this situation.
But when you see a crying toddler, it’s very easy to believe both of those things at once.
And you can believe this about yourself too.
When you’re consumed by the Sunday scaries at night…
When your heart is in your throat before a big meeting…
When you’re staring at your to-do list and just wanting to run away from everything…
You can treat yourself the way you treat a crying toddler.
You can know that your reaction to this situation is 100% understandable and normal.
AND that you’re not in any real danger here. You’re perfectly safe.
Your reaction to pain is gentle, understanding, loving amusement.
You know intuitively that yelling at the crying toddler won’t help.
Look at how the parents reacted to their toddlers tears. They laughed. They gave her a hug. They comforted her. They were gentle, understanding, loving — and amused.
Now imagine how this would have gone if they’d reacted to her in the 4 unhelpful ways we usually react to our negative emotions.
They could believe and build on her story. They could tell her, “Omg, it IS a huge problem that you didn’t get a gift!! You’re always treated so unfairly!!!”
They could resist and run from her reaction. They could lock her in a room by herself and refuse to hear what she has to say.
They could invalidate what she’s feeling. They could yell, “Don’t you realize you have an amazing life?? All your needs are taken care of!! You shouldn’t cry about this!!”
They could pathologize what she’s feeling. They could say, “What’s wrong with you? Why are you so selfish? Why are you so unkind? You’ll never have friends if you behave this way.”
Seriously, just imagine reacting this way to a toddler crying about not getting a gift.
You already know what would happen.
That toddler is going to cry 10x MORE.
The problem just got BIGGER, not smaller.
The same thing happens when YOU’RE stressed and YOU react to yourself in one of those 4 ways.
When you’re replaying what you said in a meeting and regretting everything…
When you’re convinced your boss hates you and is going to fire you…
When you’re getting disagreement and wondering if you’re the crazy one…
Don’t add more fuel to the fire.
React to the little toddler inside you with gentleness, understanding, love — and a little bit of amusement.
You recognize the problem, and you find a better solution.
When a toddler cries or throws a big tantrum, two things are happening:
They are identifying a problem — “I’m jealous that Mom got a ring and I didn’t!”
AND they are suggesting a solution — “Give me Mom’s ring!!!”
And what the parents do in this case is:
They LISTEN to the problem — “Got it, you’re jealous that you didn’t get a ring.”
They present a better solution — “Here’s an even bigger ring in an even better color!! (which also happens to be much cheaper — but we know you don’t care about that anyway :)”
Ignoring the problem doesn’t help. It is a very real problem to this toddler. It has to be addressed somehow.
Blindly following the toddler’s solution ALSO doesn’t help. The proposed solution from the toddler is probably not going to be that good.
That’s why you have to find the middle ground.
Listen to and believe the very real problem the kid inside of you is having.
And find an even better solution than what the kid inside you is suggesting.
And by the way — it may not a complex, heavy-duty, very serious solution.
It might be a light, simple, fun, kid-level solution.
When you see everyone partying on Instagram but no one’s inviting you anywhere, so you just want to stay home and hide…
Your brain has done a great job identifying a real problem: You want to spend more time doing fun things for your friends. Your envy is revealing an unfulfilled want within you.
Your brain is offering a NOT great solution for it: Staying home and hiding is guaranteed to make your problem worse. You want to be having fun with friends…therefore you should stay home and see no one? That’s some adorably wrong toddler logic, brain :)
And you can find the easy, fun, playful, kid-level solution: Let’s see some friends and do something fun! Remember that event you heard about that sounded cool? Let’s look it up and ping two friends about it!
Or when you’re starting a big project and you’re sitting there totally paralyzed and you just want to run away…
Your brain has done a great job identifying a real problem: This is a big task! You’re not sure where to start!
Your brain is offering a NOT great solution for it: Let’s run away from everything. You want to get this done…therefore you should run away and not do it? That’s some adorably wrong toddler logic, brain :)
And you can find the easy, fun, playful, kid-level solution: Let’s make it small. What DO you know? What’s ONE thing you can do that you know will help? Let’s start there.
None of us are toddlers anymore…
But all of us still have a little toddler inside of us.
Growing up didn’t make that toddler go away.
We all just put some grown-up programming on top of our toddler programming.
We all get older every year…but most of us still feel like this:
And that doesn’t have to be a problem. Because you can befriend your inner toddler.
You’re not ALL little kid inside. You’ve got the wisdom and good humor of an adult TOO.
You just need to work WITH that little kid.
Know that its reactions are normal.
Give it a hug and a smile.
Listen to its problems. Believe what it’s telling you.
And give it better solutions than it can dream up by itself.
Tune in next week for Part 4 of this series—
If you can watch a fireworks show, you can manage your stress 🎆 (click to read)
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Read Part 4 ➡️
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