If you can watch a fireworks show, you can manage your stress (part 4)
It’s the last part of our series!
We’ve talked about the 4 unhelpful ways people usually react to their negative emotions.
And we’ve talked about 3 MORE helpful ways you can react instead.
And these aren’t abstract or mystical ways of handling your emotions. You don’t need a PhD in psychotherapy or spiritual enlightenment to do any of this.
They’re all based on things you already know how to do. You can apply these skills right now, today.
If you can get your legs waxed, you can manage your stress 🦵🏼
If you can eat Thanksgiving dinner, you can manage your stress 🍗
And today, let’s jump into Part 4—
If you can watch a fireworks show, you can manage your stress 🎆
What happens when you watch a fireworks show?
Really imagine this for a moment.
You’re lying back on a blanket on a hillside. The air is full of pops and bangs and that sizzling smell. Firecrackers light up the night around you while you watch.
Blue, green, red. Big, small, and everything in between.
Here’s what’s probably happening as you watch the fireworks—
The fireworks are not you. The fireworks are something outside of you.
This seems inanely obvious in the context of fireworks.
But imagine applying this in the context of big, uncomfortable emotions.
You say something in a meeting, and you instantly see, from others’ reactions, that it was the wrong thing to say.
Stress, shame, and regret flood your body.
But all those feelings are not YOU.
They are something moving THROUGH you.
And as they rush through you, no matter how big they get…
You can always stay safe on that hillside, watching this force of nature move through you.
You watch with detached curiosity.
Fireworks are fascinating!
You never know what color or shape is coming up.
You watch with eager curiosity to see what happens next.
And you don’t look for any particular greater meaning or story in the fireworks.
You spend zero energy trying to figure out what the fireworks MEAN about you, or your future, or…anything.
Fireworks are just…fireworks. Nothing more. Nothing less. It’s just a thing that’s happening.
Now imagine applying this thinking to your uncomfortable emotions.
You said the awkward thing in the meeting. Stress, shame, and regret are coursing through your body.
You can just watch this happen with detached curiosity.
What exactly is happening? How does this feel? Where is it going to go next?
What shape is it? What color is it? What texture is it? How does it move?
You don’t have to make a bigger story about the emotions.
“I always say things like this. I struggle with meeting presence. I’m never going to be promoted. I’m such an awkward person.”
You don’t have to make these emotions MEAN anything.
There’s no meaning. There’s no story.
It’s just a thing that’s happening — nothing more, nothing less.
You have no timeline or agenda for the fireworks.
When you show up to watch a fireworks show, you have no expectation of being able to control how it will go or how long it will last.
And while you’re sitting there watching the show, you don’t try to control the show with your psychic mind powers.
You’re not like, “I want a green one next!! Let me think about that really hard. Ugh, I’m so mad they didn’t do a green one!!”
Or, “Maybe if I really, really wish that the show finishes in 5 minutes, it’ll actually finish in 5 minutes.”
You have no agenda. You have no timeline. You just sit there quietly watching the show with no expectation of being anything but a spectator.
You can apply this thinking to your emotions too.
The awkward thing happened. The stress and shame is roaring through you.
You don’t have to have any agenda for what this experience is supposed to look like or how long it’s supposed to last.
You’re not the one orchestrating the fireworks show! You’re just the spectator who’s there to watch.
You can sit there, with no expectation of control, and watch it play out.
You are confident that you’re safe.
The reason you can sit calmly at the fireworks show, even when you have no expectation of being able to control it…
Is because you know that you are safe.
You know that no matter what happens, no matter how big or loud or numerous the fireworks get, a firecracker is NOT going to land on you and burn you.
The same thing is true with your big emotions.
That first initial burst right after something happens — no matter how big or loud or fast it gets — cannot actually hurt you.
All the stuff you do trying to AVOID that emotion, and the 4 unhelpful ways of reacting that TURN that initial burst of emotion into something bigger and more chronic…
THAT stuff can totally hurt you.
But that first initial burst? It can’t hurt you. It can’t kill you. You are perfectly safe.
The same way that you can watch huge, hot pyrotechnics blow up right in front of you…and you are perfectly safe.
The only way you can get yourself into trouble at a fireworks show is if you run up to the stage and TRY to change the show, or make it end, or go in a different direction.
When you TRY to control it, that’s when you get burned.
If you just sit there and watch those big explosions happen — no matter how HUGE those explosions get — you are perfectly safe.
You know that the show will end.
No fireworks show in the history of the world has gone on forever.
Even if it seems like it’s really dragging on…
Like “Wow, I thought they said 30 minutes, but it’s been 90…”
You know, for sure, that at some point, it will wrap up and end.
In the same way, no emotion in the history of the world has gone on forever :)
Even if it seems like it’s really dragging on…
Like, “Wow, I thought I’d be over this in a day, but it’s been a week…”
Rest assured that for sure, at some point, it will wrap up and end.
And that confidence that you’re perfectly safe the whole time and that the fireworks show WILL end at some point…
…is what lets you just keep watching the show with detached curiosity and no agenda or attempt to control it.
You can apply this exact same thinking to the big emotions coursing through you.
Because all of those same things are true.
This is the technique that I use most often on the fly.
When I don’t have the time and headspace to step back and gain perspective and be thoughtful…
When someone says something that annoys me in the middle of a meeting, and I can’t break away to process it — I have to just keep talking to them.
When I can’t fall asleep at night and I’m tired and annoyed and worried about the next day.
When I’m busy af and things are just hitting me left and right.
This is where I go.
No thoughtfulness. No exercises. No trying to control anything.
I just watch what’s happening inside me like a fireworks show.
It’s the easiest place for me to land when I have no resources for anything else.
And this is one of the easiest techniques to practice ahead of time.
Doing this for the first time with a big emotion can be challenging.
It can take some practice to get into this headspace of quiet observation of what’s happening inside you rather than building on or engaging with or trying to control what’s happening inside you.
It’s kind of like riding a bike — I can explain how to do it in great detail, but you ultimately have to find the rhythm and technique and balance of it for yourself.
So one of the best things you can do for yourself is practice this in low-intensity moments.
Just practice watching what’s happening inside you like a fireworks show for 2-5 minutes every day.
Pick a time of day when things aren’t too crazy and the “show” is likely to be low-key and non-overwhelming.
If you already have a meditation practice, incorporate it into that.
And practice the “mental muscle movement” of shifting into observation of yourself and coming back to that every time you accidentally start engaging and interacting instead of just observing.
The more you get the hang of this in low-intensity moments, the easier it’ll be to apply it when things get intense.
Over the course of this masterclass series, I’ve given you guys 4 different, robust ways to react to your own big, uncomfortable emotions.
The reason I gave you 4 different ways rather than just telling you “always do X” is because I teach a template-based approach to problem-solving.
I don’t teach ONE right answer for how to do things.
I teach you templates that you can use to guide you in building YOUR right answer.
In this case, the template is this:
Circumstance: a big emotion automatically courses through your brain & body
Thought: __________ (what you want to think when that circumstance happens)
Feeling: __________ (how that thought makes you feel)
Action: __________ (what you do & don’t do when you feel that way)
Result: __________ (the net effect of your actions on you)
I gave you the 4 unhelpful ways people usually fill out this template in this circumstance, and told you WHY it ends up creating more of the feelings, actions, and results that they don’t want.
And in this series, I gave you 4 robust thought suggestions — alternate ways of filling out this template that you can play around with for yourself.
My thought suggestions aren’t the final answer. They are your starting point.
Try them on for size. See how YOUR brain reacts to them. See how they make you feel, what you do next, and what results get created in your life.
Sometimes my thought suggestions will resonate so well with you that you can just take them and run with them, without any further adjustment. (If that’s the case for you, YAY!!)
And sometimes, my thought suggestions are just the start of your journey, and you will have to keep tinkering with it and adjusting it until you find the way of thinking that works for YOU.
And when you’re in that tinkering phase, the best thing you can do for yourself is hire a coach.
I’ve tried it all possible ways for myself.
I’ve had long periods where I regularly got one-on-one coaching and long periods where I didn’t have a coach and just made it work with books, podcasts, and self-study.
The conclusion I’ve come to again and again is this:
I just solve things faster when I get regular one-on-one coaching.
(This is why I plan to have a one-on-one coach for the rest of my life :)
It’s not that I CAN’T get there on my own. It’s just that it takes longer and is more inefficient.
I get stuck for longer. I go in circles longer. I miss my blind spots for longer.
A weekly one-on-one coaching conversation means that I keep moving forward at a consistent rate, no matter what.
Because I always have someone who can…
Bring an outside perspective
Point out my blind spots instantly
Push the problem-solving in a direction I wouldn’t have taken it myself
Calmly, systematically apply coaching tools to my situation when I can’t
I’m an expert at this stuff, and it’s still very hard to do it effectively for myself when I’m totally inflamed with emotion.
It’s the same reason why surgeons don’t operate on themselves. You can know the technique beautifully, but it’s almost impossible to execute it on yourself when you’re the one feeling all the pain.
And when even surgeons hire other surgeons to operate on them…
You better believe that non-surgeons simply MUST hire surgeons to fix their surgery-related problems — and that those patients will make WAY faster progress with a surgeon than without one.
The exact same principle applies to coaching.
Wherever it is you’re trying to go, you can pay with time, or you can pay with money.
Neither is right or wrong. It’s your time and your money — you get to decide how you want to spend it.
But once your basic needs and necessities are covered…
Saving money at the cost of time is rarely a smart decision.
Because you can always get more money, but you can’t get more time.
So if you’re getting tired of how long this is all taking you.
And you want to break through and get moving and make consistent progress every single week.
Then come talk to me, and let’s get started.
💻 Website | 📸 Instagram | 🎧 Podcast | 💌 Newsletter | 👋🏽 Free resources