The 4 kinds of self-doubt + The quick & dirty solution to each
There are 4 flavors of self-doubt that I’ve observed in my clients and in myself.
Self-questioning 🤨
Waffling 🧇
Inner conflict 🤼
Self-criticism 😡
Self-questioning is when you have an instinct…but you hold yourself back from following it.
You’re like, “I have something to say in this meeting!”
But you’re not sure if it’s appropriate for you to speak up…
So you hold yourself back.
Or you’re like, “I think we should do X, not Y.”
But your manager says to do Y.
So you stay quiet and do Y.
The thing holding you back isn’t really your own perspective or opinion.
It’s an external “should” or an authority figure’s voice in your head that makes you pause and question yourself.
And you thought you’d feel good about yourself for doing what you’re supposed to do…
But instead, you just feel dissatisfied.
Waffling is when you can’t seem to find your instinct – it keeps moving around on you.
One day, you’re like “I should definitely quit my job.”
The next day, you’re like, “What was I thinking? I should definitely stay.”
The next day, you’re like, “No actually, I should take a sabbatical, think about things, and then maybe come back here later.”
And the next day, it’s something else.
Either you can’t find conviction in any of your options…
Or you find yourself having conviction in something different every day.
But either way, you can’t seem to just pick a thing and move forward.
And you (and your loved ones) are getting pretty tired of hearing you have the same conversation again and again.
Inner conflict is when you have two instincts going in opposite directions.
Something in a relationship is not quite working for you…
One part of you says, “We really need to speak up and say we want to do something different.”
Another part of you says, “We can’t do that! We’ll make things so awkward and wreck the relationship!!”
And then you’re stuck in the middle with the worst of both worlds — saying nothing and quietly seething.
Self-criticism is when you have an instinct, and you hate it.
You say something in a social gathering…
And then you’re like, “Why did I say that? That was so stupid.”
You procrastinate for a couple hours…
And then you’re like, “Why did I do that? That was so stupid.”
You order an extra drink at dinner…
And then you’re like, “Why did I do that? That was so stupid.”
And you try to criticize yourself into improving…
But somehow it doesn’t quite seem to work…
Here’s the quick and dirty solution to each flavor of self-doubt.
If you’re self-questioning and holding yourself back because of external should’s… 🤨
You need to develop a clearer inner rubric.
You’re good at following rubrics.
But a clear OUTER rubric will trump a vague INNER rubric every time.
And right now, you’re being pulled around by an outer rubric that you don’t fully agree with.
So take the time to define YOUR standard of success, YOUR key metrics, and the expectations YOU’RE trying to meet.
Check out my article on setting Deliberate, Defined, Doable, and De-Conflicted expectations to get started.
If you’re waffling and having trouble committing either way… 🧇
You need to clarify your criteria and gather more data.
Don’t make “clarifying your criteria” into a whole big project.
Choose 3 words and let them be your compass.
And then get started doing experiments and gathering data.
My series on 5 quick career experiments you could do this week is a great place to start.
If you’re stuck in an inner conflict that’s putting you in a lose-lose situation… 🤼
You need to create a new win-win option.
Lose-lose isn’t a reality of your situation.
Lose-lose is a FRAMING of the situation that’s created by your brain.
Don’t put your effort toward reconciling yourself to the lose-lose.
Put your effort towards shaking up your brain’s framing and creating the win-win.
My four-step process for resolving inner conflicts is a good place to start.
If your brain is stuck in self-criticizing loops… 😡
You need to retrain your brain and disarm its overpowered protective mechanism.
And you need to find new pathways to the goals that your bad habits are trying to achieve.
Retraining your brain can be done in a few minutes a day.
Design your own “mental workout routine” using my masterclass on how to like yourself.
And correct your bad habits without relying on willpower or discipline by figuring out what need that habit is serving today and finding a different path to fulfill that same need.
I call this technique “same goal, different pathway,” and I talk more about it here.
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—Client | Solutions Engineer at Fintech Company
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