But when am I “allowed” to change my circumstances? (part 1)
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As you know, there’s only one thing we do here: solve problems by working on their true root cause — your thoughts.
The premise of this problem-solving approach is this:
Your circumstances are not the root cause of your problems.
Circumstances are neutral. They could be interpreted a hundred different ways by a hundred different people. They have no inherent meaning until you give them a meaning.
The reason this particular set of circumstances is a problem to you is because of how you’re thinking about the circumstance.
Now there’s a big misconception about using your thoughts to solve your problems.
It is:
Well, if my circumstances aren’t the problem…
…and my thoughts are the real problem
…then I’m always supposed to stay where I am and just make myself like it.
Guys. This is not what I’m saying at all.
What I’m saying is: You can take responsibility for your emotions and your experience independent of keeping or changing your circumstances.
What will lead you into trouble isn’t changing your circumstances.
The trouble will come when you depend entirely on your circumstances to make you feel a certain way.
So when it comes to the question of: When am I “allowed to” change my circumstances?
The answer is: It doesn’t matter what you do. What matters is WHY you are doing it.
If I’m trying to get into a relationship because I believe a relationship will make me feel secure…
If I’m changing jobs because I believe a new job will make me fulfilled…
If I’m losing weight because I believe weighing less will make me feel pretty…
Then I’m setting myself up for trouble.
Because the reason I don’t feel secure, fulfilled, and pretty today is my thoughts.
And I can do all the work to get a boyfriend, find a new job, and stick to my diet.
But unless I change the thoughts creating my current feelings, those old thought habits are coming with me.
If my automatic brain is used to interpreting facts in a way that makes me feel not secure, or not fulfilled, or not pretty, it is going to find ways to keep doing that, even when the circumstance changes.
And if I abdicate responsibility for my feelings to my circumstances…
And then the old feelings pop again…
Then what choice do I have but to change my circumstances again, and hope for the best?
(This is exactly what I did for most of my life, by the way. That’s why I tried half a dozen careers, struggled with every dating decision, and hit every corner of the BMI spectrum.)
“But hang on, Pooja,” you might say. “Aren’t you still dating, changing jobs, AND working on losing weight, even now? You’re changing circumstances all over the place!”
Yep, I totally am!
But I’m not doing any of that for the purpose of feeling better.
Feeling better is completely up to me — in my “non-goal” state today and in my “goal” state in the future.
Feeling better starts today, independent of the circumstance I happen to be in.
And what better place to start, than my “non-goal” state?
Every unhelpful thought and every crappy feeling is right here at the surface, for me to examine.
Every thought habit that I DON’T want to carry forward is right here at my fingertips.
And you may ask: Well, if you can feel good right now, then why would you want to change anything?
And I would tell you: Create the feeling you want first, and you might be surprised by what you feel like doing next.
Turns out, when I feel secure, I want to go on more dates and meet more people. Because it’s low stakes and fun and the outcome doesn’t matter.
Turns out, when I feel fulfilled, I imagine new career options that never occurred to me. Because it’s low stakes and fun and the outcome doesn’t matter.
Turns out, when I feel pretty, I want to eat healthier and dress better. Because it’s low stakes and fun and the outcome doesn’t matter.
And if feeling secure, fulfilled, and pretty made me want to stay single, stay in my job, and gain weight, that would be okay too. Because I already got what I wanted.
When you take full responsibility over the way you feel, right now, today…
…when you’re not waiting like a beggar for a circumstance to drop a happy feeling in your bowl…
You get even more clarity about what you want out of life.
And you can go after it more effectively than ever.
Because it’s low stakes and fun and the outcome doesn’t matter :)