But when am I “allowed” to change my circumstances? (part 3)
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So we’ve been talking the big misconception about using your thoughts to solve your problems, which is:
Well, if my circumstances aren’t the problem…
…and my thoughts are the real problem
…then I’m always supposed to stay where I am and just make myself like it.
As we talked about in part 1 and part 2:
You don’t have to “stay where you are.” Go wherever you want. The point is to take responsibility for your own feelings, regardless of whether you change your circumstances or not.
And you don’t have to “just make yourself like it.” The point is to have a conversation with yourself and decide which preferences you stand behind and which you are willing to rework.
Now here’s what I find really interesting about clients who feel like they’re “not allowed” to change their circumstances.
The real question here isn’t “When are you ‘allowed’ to change your circumstances?”
It’s “Why haven’t you made a change already?”
Because there are probably dozens of situations throughout your day where you just pick circumstances according to your preferences with no drama whatsoever.
The grocery store has grapefruits. You hate grapefruits. You don’t buy any. Easy.
You’re wearing PJs at home. Your friend says they’re coming over. You change into something else before they arrive. Easy.
You buy a gadget off Amazon. You don’t like it as much as you thought you would. You return it. Easy.
These are all preference-based circumstance changes that you would never bring to a coaching session because you don’t see them as a problem.
So when it comes to changing a job or leaving a relationship or any other decision that is causing you angst, the real question is: Why do you see your desire to change your circumstances as a problem?
And very often, the answer to that question is: Because I’m having a preference conflict.
I care about helping people, and I don’t care about helping corporations make more money. But my corporate job gives me security and financial freedom. Should I choose security by staying, or fulfillment by moving to a nonprofit?
Or…
I want to talk to my partner multiple times a day. My partner prefers to talk once a week. But staying in a relationship is easier than breaking up and starting all over again. Should I choose the familiar security of an okay relationship or the scary unknown of singleness and new relationships?
If you believe your circumstances cause your feelings, then a preference conflict is a very real problem.
If you think a job causes you to feel security or fulfillment…
Or your relationship status causes you to feel a sense of familiar security or scary unknown-ness…
Then these are very difficult and scary choices to make.
If you frame the situation in the way I did above, you are literally trading off feelings and telling yourself you only get one at the expense of the other.
Guys. This is never the case!
Every feeling is coming 100% from your thoughts.
Which means you never have to trade one feeling for another unless you want to.
You can have it all.
You can have security and fulfillment — both at your corporate job and at a nonprofit.
You can keep “familiar security” and never feel “scary unknown” — regardless of whether you stay in or leave a relationship.
When you know that your emotions are coming from your perception of a situation — and not the situation itself — then preference conflicts are no big deal.
The conflict is just your brain telling you: “Hey, this is the way I want to feel! Please let me feel this way!”
To which you can very easily say: “I got you. Don’t worry about it. We are going to do the work to feel exactly the way we want to feel, no matter what we choose to do.”