But when am I “allowed” to change my circumstances? (part 2)
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In the last post, I started talking about the big misconception about using your thoughts to solve your problems, which is:
Well, if my circumstances aren’t the problem…
…and my thoughts are the real problem
…then I’m always supposed to stay where I am and just make myself like it.
In part 1, we addressed the “stay where I am” half of the misconception.
In summary: You don’t have to stay where you are. Go wherever you want. The point is to take responsibility for your own feelings, regardless of whether you change your circumstances or not.
Now, let’s talk about the second half of this misconception — just make myself like it.
When I tell people, “the only reason this thing makes you unhappy is because of how you’re thinking about it,” they often take that to mean “…so stop complaining and just make yourself happy with this circumstance.”
And they fire back with: But what about my preferences? Am I not allowed to want things to be a certain way? I just have to be okay with EVERYTHING now?
That’s not what I’m saying at all.
Let’s look at a couple examples.
I care about helping people, and I don’t care about helping corporations make more money. Can I leave my corporate job to work at a nonprofit?
I want to talk to my partner multiple times a day. My partner prefers to talk once a week. Can I leave them and find someone who has the same communication preferences as me?
Whatever emotion this person is having about their corporate job and their current partner is caused by their thoughts and not by the job or the partner.
But the solution is not to just blindly brainwash themselves into liking corporations and long stretches of silence, no matter what.
The solution is to have a conversation with their own automatic brain and deliberately DECIDE which preferences they want to keep and which they are open to changing.
Changing your thoughts is not a one-way street, where your automatic brain sends up its preferences, and you always override them, no matter what.
There’s a reason I call this blog “Your Brain’s BFF” and not “Your Brain’s Tyrannical Overlord.”
The point of all this work is to learn to be your own best friend. To learn to be safe with yourself.
So if your brain is throwing a fit about a circumstance, the first step is to sit down and listen to it.
Because you always get to choose where you rework your brain and where you lean into what it already wants.
And you can have and act on the preferences you choose while still taking full responsibility for how you feel.
Because there is a massive, galactic WORLD of difference between saying:
I choose to do the work of making myself feel fulfilled while working at a nonprofit rather than at a corporation.
Vs.
My corporate job doesn’t fulfill me. Really hope this nonprofit job will do the trick.
Or saying:
I choose to do the work of making myself feel loved while dating someone with the same communication preferences as me.
Vs.
My current partner doesn’t make me feel loved. Really hope this new partner fixes everything.
Because let’s say you act on your preferences, and quit the job and find a new partner.
It’s still up to you to:
Appreciate how well they fit your chosen preferences — every day, not just for the first week or so until it fades into the background
Do this same thinking and choosing exercise when they inevitably don’t fulfill some OTHER preference you have (because, guys…nothing is perfect)
Stay flexible and keep actively choosing where you want to work with your current preferences and where you want to question and adjust them
Yes, the one and only cause of any problem is always going to be your thoughts.
But no one is telling you to stay where you are and just make yourself like it.
It is 100% okay to want exactly what you want and go after it like a beast.
A “problem” popping up is really an invitation to get to know yourself better and consciously decide what you want to do going forward.
And not only can you set goals and make changes while still taking full responsibility for your feelings every step of the way…
…but it’s actually EASIER to get what you want when you’re not desperately depending on those things to make you feel a certain way.