7 Ways to Believe Something New (part 5)
So we’ve talked about four ways to believe something new: (1) put it in your mental filter and find evidence everywhere, (2) find things that are going well and use them as reference points, (3) find the most damning piece of evidence and rewrite the story, and (4) break down your brain’s logic chain.
Let’s talk about way #5:
5: Reverse the roles
This one is especially helpful when you’re all worked up about something someone else is doing.
Like it or not, we are social creatures, and to quote a great podcast I listened to recently: “The best thing and the worst thing for a human being is another human being.”
Other people run around doing things and saying things and being certain ways, and we take those facts and make them mean allll kinds of things — about them, about ourselves, and about the world.
Your partner leaves dirty dishes in the sink. → Your brain says: “Why are they so inconsiderate?”
A classmate spreads a rumor about you and starts bullying you. → Your brain says: “There must be something wrong with me. Why else would they target me?”
Your boss decides not to promote you. → Your brain says: “Why are they being so unfair to me?”
“Come on,” your brain tells you. “There’s no other way to interpret what they did.”
Well, let’s try reversing the roles.
So your partner left dishes in the sink.
Before you summarily decide that they’re inconsiderate — take a pause.
What’s something your partner would really like you to do, that you don’t do? Maybe they’d prefer the thermostat five degrees cooler, or they’d love it if you’d weed the yard every once in a while?
What do you think about their requests for you?
Is there any chance you’re actually going to do them?
What’s your highly sympathetic, completely indignant story for why their requests are totally unreasonable and definitely not a thing you need to do?
You probably don’t think you’re being inconsiderate.
Maybe you can see your partner the way you see yourself.
So your classmate bullied you.
Before you make it mean that there’s something wrong with you — take a pause.
Think about the last time you judged someone negatively.
You may not have acted on it — but you were criticizing them, hating on them, and maybe even wishing for their downfall. Maybe you were ranking people as good or bad based on some characteristic.
Why did you do that?
Did it have anything to do with them, really?
Or was that just your own insecurity lashing out?
Maybe it’s the same for your bully.
So your boss didn’t promote you.
Before you make that mean that they’re being unfair to you — take a pause.
Think about the last time a member of your team came to you asking for a promotion or for more responsibility — and you couldn’t give them what they asked for.
Were you trying to be unfair to them? Probably not!
But you probably had to consider more than just their wants at that moment.
You had to think about what the team needs, the shifting agenda, other changes happening in the organization, and where your team member would really thrive.
You couldn’t give them what they wanted. But you were still trying to do what was best for the whole situation.
Maybe that’s what your boss is doing.
And listen. The goal here is not to just “be okay” with everything that other people do.
Sometimes people see this and they ask questions like, “But am I allowed to judge people sometimes? Am I allowed to feel slighted sometimes?”
And the answer is YES! You are allowed to think anything you want!
The point here is not to “have good thoughts” and “stop having bad thoughts.”
The point is to consciously choose.
When someone does something, you’re going to get an automatic interpretation delivered to your brain, no matter what.
The point is to give yourself one second to pause and consider an alternate interpretation.
Because you don’t have to take that default route if you don’t want to.
Part 6 ➡️
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Epilogue
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